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Dear Bill Clinton,

If you are asking me if your wife is always mean to you, I'm going to answer yes.  I mean, look at you.  You are the poor man's JWonder.  You play video games when you should be taking care of your babies.  You don't even like the band KISS (though you do like Social Distortion so you do get cool points for that).  When you do take care of the babies you end up covered in vomit and feces. You actually admit you are a Redskins fan (and this is about you, so leave my choice of sports teams out of this).  I really don't feel the need to continue...we'd be here all day.

And I can only assume that the "WTF?" is asking if your Wife is Totally Fine.  We've covered that in another thread.  She is way too fine for someone like you, and that's probably why you feel the need to take her abuse...for fear that she might leave you.   What you need are answers, my friend. And you've come to the right place.

There are many of us guys on SG who have obviously married above our station.  That is a well-known fact that becomes obvious as you peruse the various family pictures in the myriad of posts.  So the issue becomes "What can I do to keep my hot wife from realizing I am obviously not qualified (physically, mentally and sexually) to be her partner for life?"  Well, I have news for you.  She already knows. That's why she's employed the Sgt Hartman/R. Lee Ermey technique of whipping you into shape.  She thinks that if she yells at you and is mean enough, you will straighten up and change into the man that she wants/deserves/doesn't think about killing in his sleep.  So the solution is simple: take it like a man.  Deflect all of her rage with a meek "Yes dear."  Now don't worry, you can tell all your buddies at work and at the smoothie shop and online that you are in charge and she's the one who toes the line.  No one will ever know as long as you keep "Married JCP" and "Independent JCP" compartmentalized.  If the twain ever should meet, you are in a world of hurt at home and at work/online (but you should be just fine at the smoothie shop...all the guys there pretty much know you're lying when you tell them that you ordered your wife to make you lasagna last week and she complied...and that she had sex with you).

So buck up, puff out that chest, and create a post bragging about how you spent the kids' diaper money on WWF action figures.  But don't forget to curl up into a fetal position as soon as you walk in the door at home.  The vital organs are covered when you make yourself smaller.  And remember, what doesn't kill you only makes you wish you were dead.  And if that doesn't work, you could always try the show Wife Swap.  Guys with mean wives usually get paired with nice ones...it makes for better television.

Keep that head down and don't make eye contact!

Your friendly neighborhood corndog

He'll go from being a sweet kid one second to screaming for no good reason the next. Do you have any tips for coping with this?

Dear Screaming for Vengeance,

Having a two year old at home, and a six year old that has never left the terrible twos definitely qualifies me to answer this one. Here's the deal. Kids like to hear their own voices. They are pompous, boastful little megalomaniacs who think the world revolves around them. So give them what they want. Audio record them during their screaming fits. Get quite a bit of audio. Next, buy them a really nice sound system for their room (it needs the ability to get good and loud and also have a port to plug an iPod into it). They will think "Yeah, It's about time these peons recognize who is in charge here." And buy some nice lullaby CDs, also some Barney, Veggie Tales etc, so they think that's really the purpose for the stereo equipment. Now you need to put all of the screaming audio that you've got onto that iPod, and put it on 'repeat' so it will keep playing. Once they are sound asleep, you plug that iPod into their stereo and get ready to crank it. But (now this part is key), right before you turn on the jamz, whisper in their sweet little ear "How ya like me now, Alec Baldwin?". Then let it fly. They want to hear the sound of their own voice...give 'em what they want. And because it's on iPod, you don't have to limit it to just bed time. Anytime they decide they want to throw a fit, just slip some headphones on them and let them hear the soothing sound of their own screams. I predict that they will be cured of the fits in about two weeks. Or they will kill you in your sleep. But either way, you won't hear their screaming any more. Like all the other advice I give, it ends up being at least a win/win (maybe even a win/win/win if you can figure out how to make this work on Alec Baldwin).

Keep kicking and screaming!

Your friendly neighborhood corndog