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A wise man once said “Alex, parents are conditioned to put up with a few minor accidents when they leave their children home alone: A broken vase, spilt milk on the rug. There was a kangaroo... in my living room.” That wise man was Steven Keaton, as played by Video Premiere Award-winning Best Actor (for his work in Tremors 3: Back to Perfection) Michael Gross on the Golden Globe Award-winning television show Family Ties. Now replace the word “kangaroo” with “dinosaur” and you start to get the idea behind our next Real Time Movie Review flick 100 Million BC (or 100,000,000 BC as it’s named on Netflix).

Now you are probably saying to yourself “How bad can this movie be if it boasts such an accomplished actor in the cast?” Well, I’ll even sweeten the pot with Golden Globe nominee Christopher Atkins and 2007 Sayreville War Memorial High School Alumni Hall of Fame inductee Greg Evigan. I know, I know…you just wet yourself a tiny bit while you giggled with glee at the thought of watching this movie. But you need to compose yourself and think about this logically. Let’s get past all of the accolades (impressive as they are) and see this movie as the stinker it really is.

First off, they are trying to capitalize on the popularity of the theatrical release 10,000 BC by having a similar title. This should be a red flag to anyone who’s seen 10,000 BC because I haven’t heard the most flattering things about that film. I myself haven’t seen it, so that’s why I’m just stupid enough to see the low budget 100,000,000 BC instead. Remember, we watch the crap so you don’t have to.

Next, it’s brought to you by the folks at The Asylum (who are responsible for the mega-popular Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and the plague-inducing Transmorphers). I believe their track record speaks for itself, but that still won’t stop me from tweeting until my thumbs fall off.

Finally, it has Stephen Blackehart in it. Now I know that you are wondering “Who the heck is that?” He played the US Sub Sonar Chief in MS vs GO. The ultimate line from that movie was “It rises.” This line was not uttered by him, but he was sitting next to the guy that said it. The fact that this movie couldn’t land the actor who actually said that line does not bode well for the quality of this film. That being said, I think that Blackehart has the opportunity to make or break this film. I definitely will keep my eyes (and ears) trained on him to see if he chews the scenery.

If you’ve been living in a cave and haven’t figured out how to follow the RTMR, here are our obligatory instructions. Do any of the following:

1.Through SG's homepage. Stretch and Arson have used their elite coding skills to allow our page to stream the twitter feed. So check it out under the "Features" section!

2. Through following SGmovies on twitter. But don't blame me if you miss that all important tweet from your friend Chuck about how much he is enjoying his tuna sandwich. Tweets fly fast and furious during the Real Time Movie Reviews, and only the die-hard cinema fan with thumbs of iron and the reflexes of a puma has any hope of keeping up.

3. You could always just check out the log on the homepage in the morning if your fear of twitter commitment prevents you from following real time. There's no shame in that. I'm sure you are a very busy person with many important meetings to attend, who has many medications to help you cope with the imaginary dangers you face everyday. Don't let a little thing like seemingly never-ending pearls of wisdom streaming across your iPhone interrupt your doctor-mandated routine, so you don't freak out and yell obscenities at the Walgreens pharmacy technician who is just trying to point you in the direction of the Tucks medicated pads that you requested.

4. You can check out the forum thread (in the Movies section) that I will create after the movie is complete.

So as you can see, there really is no excuse not to relive my pain through the miracle of the internet. So grab your calendar and write “RTMR – 11PM Eastern” on Tuesday July 28. And now, take your marker and scratch that out because the movie is no longer available for streaming on Netflix. So if you’d like to play along at home or watch it before or after I do, you'll have to get it the old fashion way like I'm doing...through the mail. Misery loves company.  I'm sending a movie back so I should have it any day.  I'll update the forums when I get it in-hand.  Movie is in-hand, so grab your calendar and pen and scribble "RTMR - 10PM Eastern" on Tuesday August 4.