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CFL Power Rankings #4

Wed, 09 May 2012 15:48:03 +0000

DC rises, projected pre-season favorites drop, and Commissioner Jango is investigating Indiana for alleged "shoot-for-pay" bounties offered to their players last season. Four meets are out of the way and there are a couple of tight divisional races as well as for best record in the league. Also, Left 4 Dead DLC has still not been released.

1 - Steel City Screaming Eagles, 13-2-1 (Last Rank #1)
Sure, the Detonators have a half-game better record and jumping them from 3rd to 1st is not unheard of, but the margin of victory by the Eagles is keeping them in first place. Ironic that the new Points For / Points Against calculation is keeping DC in second just as the lack of the calculation kept them out of the playoffs last year. There's no escape Schnook! Next up, they're at Windy City (4-11-1).

2 - DC Detonators, 14-2 (Last Rank #3)
Jumping up a spot over last years champions is a good thing, no? Consider that the schedule-makers had DC as the third best team in the division, so they'll try to ride their so-called "easier" schedule to the best record in the league and maybe #1 ranking? Next up, they host the Jersey Red Dragons (6-9-1) the only team to have beaten them all year.

3 - Indiana SAMS, 11-4-1 (Last Rank #2)
Indiana is not comfortable here at #3... or are they? Perhaps they dropped a game to Windy City to give other teams false confidence. On the other hand, they're an aging team. Perhaps skills are eroding and they'll drop even further. Next up, they travel to Ventura (2-13-1) to celebrate Octoberfest.

4 - Rocky Mountain Rolling Thunder, 7-9 (Last Rank #4)
The Rolling Thunder is coming off a disappointing week. Their destiny was in their hands and they could have moved into first place with a sweep. With Grizz's connection good, they had their collective mind on revenge, but fell way short and now their playoff hopes are in danger. Next up, they'll go to Dayton (4-11-1) where confidence is high.

5 - Dayton Cobras, 4-11-1 (Last Rank #6)
Should Dayton really have been moved up a notch over Jersey whom they beat 2-1-1 while being down a man? Well, for this week it does, but their hold on this spot, unlike my my Kung-Fu, is not strong. Next up, they'll host Rocky Mountain (7-9) whose confidence is low after being swept by DC.

6 - Jersey Red Dragons, 6-9-1 (Last Rank #5)
Jersey had a chance to pass Rocky Mountain in the standings but failed to take advantage. Can they raise their spirits and move into second place this week? They've got a make or break meet down the road. Next up, they travel to DC (14-2) to show dem boys their two victories in week 1 were not a fluke.

7 - Windy City Hustlers, 4-11-1 (Last Rank #7)
Windy City played last year's champions tight and managed to take a game from them showing great heart. Unfortunately, they couldn't ride that wind to any further victories. Don(na) Missy has ordered CapoRed33 to take out the head of the SAM family. Next up, they host the Screaming Eagles (13-2-1).

8 - Ventura Warlords, 2-13-1 (Last Rank #8)
Beertura ran into the jug'o'beernaut they call (beer) Esco. Esco was on a (beer) wild tear after having given up his (beer) "DropShot" controller layout. Ventura has mastered the art of drinking the losses away before the game has been decided. Next up, they drink beer and host Indiana (11-4-1). (Beer)

NBA Playoffs Preview and Predictions

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 20:27:36 +0000

NBA Playoffs Preview and Predictions:

So I know this is cheating because I had the advantage of watching the first game of each series, but I didn’t do it on purpose and had picks, as well as most of this article written before the games. In my defense, I’m lazy. I have done some editing based on what I saw over the weekend. For those of you who just want to use my awesome picks to make money in Vegas, you can skip to the end. If you have time to waste, read on.

East:

#1 Bulls vs #8 76ers (Bulls lead 1-0): The Bulls took game 1, but Derrick Rose tore his ACL in the final minutes of the game. He shouldn’t have been in the game at that point, but you can’t predict injuries or prevent them, and everyone looks like an expert the following day (I was thinking about just waiting until the playoffs were over and submitting my predictions so I could look like a genius). Sure, there is a time to take players out of the game, but it’s not a clear line, and a coach can’t be afraid to play his guys for fear of passing that line. This injury is really bad for the NBA because this year’s playoffs will be altered as a result, and Rose may never full regain the explosiveness that allows him to play in his style, which won him the MVP award last year. Anyway, my pick was for the Bulls to win this series, and I stand by that prediction. The Bulls can play well without Rose, as they’ve shown in the many games he’s missed this season. When looking at these playoffs, I thought Rose would need a series or two to get into “his groove” and then they might have a shot in the Eastern Conference Finals. The 76ers are a solid team and will keep the games close, but I’ll still take the Bulls in 6.

#2 Heat vs #7 Knicks (Heat lead 1-0): The Heat stomped the Knicks in game one. This doesn’t change my outlook on the series. The Knicks are dangerous because Carmelo is playing at a very high level and Chandler can protect the rim. Also, the crown in NYC will be crazy and help guys like J.R. Smith and Novak get going (on a side note, in an alternate reality where Lebron signed with the Knicks, how great would all of their home games been?!!?!). Having said that, as good as Lebron has played all year (soon to receive his third MVP trophy), he knows he has to step up in the playoffs, and I think he will. He is just too good. Heat in 5.

#3 Pacers vs #6 Magic (Magic lead 1-0): I don’t think anyone saw the Magic winning game one. I had the Magic down for a single win in the entire series, and that’s only because they can get hot from behind the arc. Coach Stan Van has been looking like an employee who already has his office packed up in one of those boxes with the handles cut into them. Their best player is out because of back surgery. I have no idea how they win other than going crazy from behind the arc and shooting about 50%. Since they won game one, I have to re-evaluate my decision. I think the Pacers have a balanced team with pretty good depth and will win the series. I will give Orlando an additional game. Pacers in 6.

#4 Celtics vs #5 Hawks (Hawks lead 1-0): First of all, I don’t understand why the Celtics get the higher seed, but Hawks have home court advantage. I realize it’s this way because the Celtics won their division, but if you’re going to give home court advantage to the team with the best record anyway, why give the Celtics a higher seed? Anyway, the Hawks win game one and Rondo bumps an official. I don’t trust the Hawks, and the Celtics have been playing great to close out the regular season. I’m not sure Rondo’s status for game two, but I’m still hanging with the Celtics in this series. I think it goes 7 games and ironically, home court advantage doesn’t matter. Celtics in 7.

Round #2:

#1 Bulls vs #4 Celtics: The Bulls are a solid team without Rose, but the Celtics are well coached and have one last run in them. Rondo can do just about anything he wants on the court, except make an open shot or not look like an alien. KG, Pierce, and Allen can all, somehow, still play. If Rose has functional ACLs, this goes a different way, but as it stands, I’ll take the Celtics in 6 games.

#2 Heat vs #3 Pacers: I love what the Pacers have done this year and think they’ll be pests in years to come, but they aren’t ready yet. Lebron and the Heat will be rolling. This one is a sweep, no game within 10 points, and players will be laughing and farting on the bench well before the final buzzer sounds. Heat in 4.

Eastern Conference Finals:

#2 Heat vs #4 Celtics: The Heat will have extra rest from finishing their series multiple days before the Celtics. The C’s will be tired from back-to-back hard fought series with the Hawks and Bulls. They will find a way to win a single game, probably because of a 20-20-20 game from Rondo, but the Heat click and breeze into the finals. Also, there are questions about the supporting pieces on this team and their late game line-up. I have a theory that while it appears that they don’t have a rotation or end of the game line-up, they actually do, but Spoelstra is waiting to break it out until the playoffs. Yeah, that’s what I’ll tell myself. Anyway, Heat in 5.

West: (For the record, I feel completely lost and have no idea what will happen. Here we go)

#1 Spurs vs #8 Jazz (Spurs lead 1-0): This Spurs team is playing some of the best “team basketball” I think we’ve since in the last few years. Pops has a system and he plugs guys in, and asks guys to step up when needed, and they do so without hesitation. This year, Parker has taken control of this team and deserves to be in the MVP conversation. But what’s just as impressive to me is how Duncan and Manu have allowed it to happen and do everything they can to make the team better, even if that mean taking a smaller role. They cruised to the best record in the league (tied with the Bulls) and Pops limited the minutes and games of his aging stars. I like the way the Jazz played in game one, but they have no chance. I want to call it a sweep (and think Pops might push for a sweep to get some extra rest before having to face the team that escapes the Clips/Grizz match-up, which will be a long series) but have to think the Jazz win a game with how hard they play. Spurs in 5.

#2 Thunder vs #7 Mavericks (Thunder lead 1-0): The first game was incredible. Durant’s winning shot was impossible, but it seems like he can make those all the time. I think the Thunder got the short end of this match-up. Having to go up against the defending champs, who have really just cruised all year, and Dirk really didn’t seem to have motivation coming off of his crazy playoff/title run/win last year (he took multiple game off this season to “work on his conditioning”). They are going to be a handful for this young Thunder team, but the Thunder will get it done. I want to say 6 games, but I’m not sure if they can close it out on the road. I’m going with Thunder in 7.

#3 Lakers vs #6 Nuggets (Lakers lead 1-0): This Lakers team is no joke. Kobe is rested and ready to play, Bynum is a beast (triple double with 10 blocks (a playoff record) in game one), and Pau might show up this year. The Nuggets have a deep rotation (thanks Melo) and it’s tough for other teams to play in Denver, so they maybe win a home game. The Lakers are too good and won’t lose at home. Lakers in 5.

#4 Grizzlies vs #5 Clippers (Clippers lead 1-0): The comeback in game one might have been the best in playoff history (down 24 with 8 minutes to go). It was unbelievable, especially with Tony Allen as such an elite defender. Chris Paul has a gear that he can’t use all game long, but when he shifts into it, he can take over a game. It also helps when Nick Young comes off the bench and rains wide open 3’s created by CP3. I had picked the Grizzlies to win this series, and it would seem gutless to go against them now. However, with home court now in their favor, and because I’m gutless, it’s hard not to go with them. This feels like either a Clippers in 6 or Grizzlies in 7. For the sake of the Spurs (since the Grizzlies are a bad match-up and beat them last year), I’m going to say Clippers take this one. Clippers in 6 games? I’m Ron Burgundy?

Round #2:

#1 Spurs vs #5 Clippers: This series would feature awesome match-ups between Parker/Paul and Duncan/Griffin. Coaching will be a big part of this series and Pops is about a million times the coach Vinny Del Negro is. I assume the Spurs will be rested and ready to go for this series. Despite some great games from CP3, I’ll take the 3 awesome Griffin dunks and the Spurs in 5.

#2 Thunder vs #3 Lakers: This is another series where I’m completely lost. Each team can look invincible at times. When the Thunder are rolling and making jump shots, no one can hang with them. However, when they aren’t making jumpers, they keep shooting and stall. The Lakers will be able to go inside. Their size and the Thunder’s lack of experience is going to be the deciding factor. Lakers in 6.

Western Conference Finals:

#1 Spurs vs #3 Lakers: This would be great to see. Two all time greats fighting for the chance to get a shot at another ring. Duncan is obviously not the same guy he was, but he has found his role. Kobe has a different game now and still finds a way to get it done. IF Bynum keeps playing at the level he is at, he swings this series. For the record, I very much dislike them, but I’ll take the Lakers in 6.

NBA Finals:

#2 Heat vs #3 Lakers: This is the match-up everybody (especially Nike) wanted in 2009, before the Magic ruined things by beating the Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals. Kobe vs Lebron. It will obviously be different, considering the pieces around them this year, and Kobe’s age, but still fun to watch. Lebron has a chance to quiet (not silence) his critics, and Kobe has a chance at immortality. He’d have as many rings as Jordan. I haven’t kept it a secret that I think Lebron is the best basketball player alive. I think he begins chasing after the greats by getting his first ring this year. I don’t know how many he’ll get when it’s all said and done (if any), but he’s too good not to be in the running every year. There’s a reason he puts up such great numbers and has will soon have his third MVP Trophy; he’s that good. Ideally this series lasts 7 games and comes down to the final possession. ~~I’m still going to pick the Heat in 6 games.~~ Fuck it. I’ll take the Heat in 7 on a Lebron game winner.

Enjoy watching this year’s playoffs. I know I will. If you didn’t want to read the whole article, here are my picks:

[size=3]Round 1: [/size]
Chi/Phi - Chicago in 6
Mia/NY - Miami in 5
Ind/Orl - Indiana in 6
Bos/Atl - Boston in 7
SA/Utah - San Antonio in 5
LAL/Den - Lakers in 5
OKC/Dal - OKC in 7
LAC/Mem - LAC in 7

Round 2:
Chi/Bos - Boston in 6
Mia/Ind - Miami in 4
SA/LAC - San Antonio in 5
OKC/LAL - Lakers in 6

Conference Finals:
Mia/Bos - Miami in 5
SA/LAL - Lakers in 6

Finals:
Mia/LAL - Miami in 6 7

Lineage 2 Review

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 11:46:52 +0000

Lineage 2 is now Truly Free to Play!

By Aaron Rogers alias SG Pointe Blank alias AA

It may come to a shock to anybody new coming into the Seasoned Gamers group that there are some of us out there with PC gaming roots, especially with the huge X-Box Live community here. This isn’t a bad thing because it’s the very reason why I joined up with SG. I needed a cool crew to game with on Live, just like the rest of you. And most of us who game regularly have come to almost take it for granted that there will always be that awesome regular group of Live gamers to hang and drink beers with every other Friday night or so, run casual leagues with, or whatever else may happen.

In the next few years things will start to change. New consoles will come out and veteran SGers will start to get, well older. Life changing decisions will have to be made and many of us will start branching off into other interests. Do we want the PS4, Xbox 720, or just abandon the consoles all together and stick to high-end PC gaming, leaving our already dated 360s for the kids to mess with? These decisions are probably going through the minds of many of us older gamers. I’m not sure what my future will hold beyond my first priority: Getting a new gaming laptop.

In my heart I always have and always will be a PC gamer. I enjoy the geekier aspect of tweaking my rig to fit my own personal needs. I love getting that awesome new graphics card. I was one of the first kids on the block to have an IBM. It was a 386 processor and I played Zork and Kings Quest on it. Since then I have been huge into PC adventure games and my family would keep feeding them to me. I owned almost every single Sierra adventure game. I skipped the entire 16-bit generation of console gaming with my next PC which was a snazzy 486DX. I brought it to college with me and I was the only kid on the entire floor to have Wolfenstein 3D and Doom. Yeah, my dorm was pretty popular.

The age of the Pentium brought us great games from Blizzard like Diablo, Warcraft, and Starcraft. Bioware was coming onto the scene with Baldur’s Gate and Neverwinter Nights. Bethesda brought us Fallout and Morrowind. And then there was the Unreal engine that gave us huge amounts of games. I played them all, and even followed the MMORPG crowd for a bit. Dark Age of Camelot was the first one that sucked me in. But something just wasn’t there for me. It didn’t have a whole lot of flash. It was a big world with people running around killing stuff but it always looked kind of ugly to me. Then a friend suggested this snazzy new game from an up and coming developer called NCSoft.

Enter: Lineage 2

Lineage 2 is a full-on 3D MMORPG with Asian style graphics that started in Korea. The idea here is to join and level up with a clan that is part of a bigger alliance. Alliances can own castles and alliance leaders can own a cool flying dragon that’s almost impossible to get. It’s probably the biggest end-game goal to reach in any MMORPG. Don’t go into Lineage 2 ever thinking that you will get to fly a dragon. It will just not happen. You are one of the thousands of people all trying to do the same thing. Go into this game casually but with the understanding that you are about to play quite probably the single most hard core MMORPG out there right now.

This game is full-on PVP with huge penalties. You get killed by another player and you could risk dropping loot, and not just whatever is lying around in your bag. We’re talking about essential equipped gear. Not only that, but if you instigate a full on PK attack you will be flagged for PVP and made walking target practice for anybody who has the strength to kill you. The risks are so high that unless you are a complete douche most people wouldn’t even try to flat out kill you. So you are safe for the most part, just don’t rub anybody the wrong way. It also doesn’t matter what race you are. A Dwarf could level with an Orc as long as you are friends.

What’s amazing about the PVP aspect is that it’s not like WoW, Camelot, or Warhammer where its area raids. Here everybody can run around and level together as much as you want. Just be aware that if he brings his friends you could be kicked out of the group. This brings an interesting psychological twist to the game. One that relies 100% on the game’s community. The guilds and alliances are essential to survival here, and you want to make sure you join up with a strong one. You’re guild’s group could be level grinding for hours in an area, and all of a sudden an apposing group’s guild wants to level there. Unless you back off or try to negotiate with the group leader you could wind up in a PVP skirmish which could turn into an Alliance war. These high stakes make this game very personal and also rewarding. Enemies can be your worst nightmare and your friends can almost become family. It all depends on how much you invest in it emotionally, which is not hard to do if you are gaming with the same group of people for hours on a daily basis.

Now, I talked about level grinding. This is only really fun if you are with a group that you are comfortable being social with. It will take you hours to level once you pass 40. There are quests but most of them are pretty lame repeat quests. The biggest ones will be mount and class specific quests. The even bigger ones are the goals you set for yourself. Do you want that super awesome gear? Look up what materials you need to get it made and grind for it. Do you want to spend all day level grinding? Make friends fast otherwise the world will be very lonely.

I also talked about the Unreal engine earlier. This game runs on the Unreal 2.0 engine and it shows. Its graphics are absolutely amazing, as displayed in the above screenshot. Consider that this game came one year before World of Warcraft and you understand why. It was truly one of NCSoft’s flagship games, displayed alongside City of Heroes and Guild Wars. In fact, think of Lineage 2 as Guild Wars on Steroids and you get the idea. It also has an amazing score and environmental sound effects.

Controls are very straight forward. In fact, going back into the game I forgot how easy they really were. You get a handful of skills that go on your quick-bar just like every other RPG. Leveling your character earns exp towards your skills. They did a lot of tweaking so I’m not sure what the mechanics really are for this, but I’m sure it’s very easy to follow. After taking a break for years, I literally just started playing this game again today so you will have to bear with me on the details.

The truly great thing about this game is that it’s 100% free. You can get the client here for free and just start plugging away. It’s really that easy.http://www.lineage2....d/installation/

In essence, I feel like I’ve come home a bit with this game. It’s been a while since I started truly PC gaming again since I joined up with the SG group. I never thought I’d find myself hunched over a desk and PC gaming again. Here I sit though, and it feels really good to get back to my old roots. This may be my first of many PC game reviews I will submit to this site. With Diablo 3 and Guild Wars 2 on the horizon, it’s easy to over-look the older games. Give this one a shot before the new ones come out. You might actually enjoy it!

--AA

Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon:Future Soldier Mul...

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 18:17:43 +0000

General
Let’s start by examining the general aspects of the beta itself. Many of us here at Seasoned Gamers have been part of a Multiplayer Beta for some big game at some time, so I would like to point out some of the great points, above and beyond the usual, that the GRFS Beta brings to the table.
MP Beta that reflects our (Seasoned Gamers) mindset. Check! For the first time in a long time, I was able to enter a MP Beta and invite friends to my squad before venturing into Matchmaking (MM). Gone are the days where our first order of business is to break the beta to allow a group of SG’ers to play together, we can party up (in a squad of 4) and just jump into the fray. This simple fact alone makes me believe that Red Storm Entertainment ™ and Ubisoft ™ know what gamers want, and are willing to go a little extra to give it to them.
As the purpose of the beta is to both garner public hands on opinion and test the network/servers for the particular game, the GRFS Beta is not immune to the trials and tribulations of a stress test. I have seen the servers crash twice now, in two days of playing the beta. Disappointing from an ‘I want to just play the beta’ standpoint, but in the grand scheme of things, probably good that it happens now so it can be addressed before the full retail release. I have also experienced a little lag in a small number of games, but no more than I would think any game, beta or otherwise, would exhibit.
Some actual bugs I have experienced haven’t been game breaking so far, but a little annoying. Sometimes in the kill cam, it appears a disembodied weapon, or a floating set of combat fatigues has killed me. Meh, I am sure it will be addressed, and if that is the only real bug I have seen (to date) than good job so far, devs!
Game Specifics

Lobby – Simple, easy to navigate, hope it stays this way in the retail version. RT to bring up friends list, invite, squad built, join game, Bob’s your uncle!
Character Personalization – easy to do, unlockable options, not as in-depth as Skyrim, for example, but better than that of CoD or BF.
Gunsmith – there is nothing to compare this to. BF and CoD allow you to add a couple attachments to a weapon, but it is a far cry to call is customization after you have experienced gunsmith. This is a Forza Tuners Dream…for rifle enthusiasts. Being able to unlock, purchase and then swap parts on your weapon from the barrel to the stock, and everything in-between is phenomenal and addictive. You get the opportunity to test fire your weapons at the range before committing to purchasing an unlock, so you get to essentially test drive your rifle before driving it off the lot. With kinect support in the retail game, I can see this as a fun time sync for those of us with or without kinect. You can make the game your own!
Gametypes – we are limited in the beta, as expected, but I already love the concept involved. So far it is a mix of TDM and Objective in each gametype, with certain objectives actually making a difference in the game, not just in the score. One game I played, the enemy had successfully captured an EMP device and protected it from us, until it detonated. Not only were they able to collect points for protecting it, but we were EMP’d for a brief period of time after it detonated. We were able to capture a supply point and protect it until it allowed us to resupply our ammo and equipment. Kills netted us some points, but no where near enough to make difference with a kill worth 1 point, but the objectives got us 100+… but without killing and protecting our objectives, we would have lost horribly.
Spawn System – Another shining light. At first it seemed to only emulate the Battlefield system of being able to choose between your teams captured objective points, initial spawn and squadmates (which is a plus), the little details I picked up on made the difference. When a teammate was completely engaged in combat, you are notified on the spawn menu by an icon, preventing you from spawning into a hail of bullets. When a teammate is in an intel compromised state, you are prevented from spawning on them. When a teammate is dead, obviously you cannot spawn on them. All of these are nice refinements over an already good spawn system, but here is the fucking cherry on the pile of cherries on the sundae… if your team is locked in the spawn, and trapped, an alternate spawn location appears in the menu which spawns you in another predetermined area, outside of the spawn lock your team is experiencing. This happened during a game, where a team was just destroying us as we tried to fight our way out of the spawn area, alternate spawn drops us behind them and we rolled right over the unsuspecting bastards, they never saw us coming. AWESOME!!!! Best spawn system ever!!!
Teamwork Bonus – you don’t just do better when working as a team, you actually get bonus experience when your teamwork meets requirements. If you are close by and covering a teammate while he hacks an opponent or objective, you get XP and he gets to hack faster. There are some other things that award XP, though I don’t know what they are, I just remember spawning in, following my squad then every one of us got +37 EXP as some sort of teamwork bonus, I don’t know what for, but we did something right!!! LOL
Animation – the character animation is great. From what I read and watched in dev videos, all the motion capture was using actual current and retired spec ops soldiers, so what we see the character do, is what the actual soldiers do. From vaulting over a barrier, to sliding into crouched position. I thought Battlefield had the top honors for some of their animations, but this is a step (maybe 2) beyond.
Graphics/Audio – the game is pretty, really pretty. The two maps in the demo give us a nice assortment of industrial and rural environments. The textures and colors are great, the lighting and shading is (once again) top notch. The lighting guys at Ubi need to be given awards for what they do, they have been innovators in the field since people stopped etching words into stone. Audio… many here in the forums have said it, and I need not elaborate too much… but DA-AMN!!! The audio in this is spectacular, it sounds great in my Surround Sound Headphones, and on my Surround Sound Stereo. The cracks of the rifles is crisp and unmuddled, the directional sounds are precise and easy to employ to your advantage. I actually heard an enemy use the opposite side of the wall I was using (as cover) when he slid in, and I was able to get the drop on him because of it. It is top notch!

After only a few hours into this (highly anticipated) multiplayer beta, I can honestly say that I feel I have been introduced to Ghost Recon again for the first time.

Board Game Spotlight - Pandemic

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 23:34:57 +0000

Pandemic was the first broadly popular (within the 'Hobby Gaming' world) purely cooperative board game. It's successful blending of theme and mechanics led to a surge in cooperative board games. However, Pandemic still defines the cooperative genre.

In Pandemic, four deadly diseases have broken out across the world. If they get out of control, it would be the end of humanity as we know it. The players take on the role of CDC researchers struggling to cure the diseases while simultaneously keeping them spreading too far. The game is fully cooperative and all players will win or lose as a team.

The players win the game by finding the cure for all four of the diseases. The players can lose if any one of the diseases becomes too prevalent, there are too many disease outbreaks, or if the players run out of time. The board represents a map of the world with various cities on it, and connections between those cities. The players are represented by colored pawns. The diseases are represented by colored cubes, one color for each disease.

At the start of the game, the players each get one role card, defining what special role they will have for the game. The roles allow the players to break the rules in some way that will make the more effective than the other players in certain tasks. These role cards give the game some of it's replayability, as playing with a different role feels different in the game, and different role combinations present different challenges to beating the game. In game setup you can also set the difficulty of the game, varied by the number of 'Epidemic' cards which are shuffled into the player deck. Once this is done, the board is seeded with starting disease cubes, and you're ready to play.

On a player's turn, they do three things. First they take four actions with their pawn, such as moving to another city, treating a disease cube in their current city, trading cards with other players, or even curing a disease. Once a player has used all four of his actions, he draws two cards from the player deck. Finally comes the Infection phase, were a player must draw from the Infection deck to put more disease cubes on the board. It roughly brakes down to 'First do good things', then 'Get more resources', and finally 'Bad things happen'.

The game ratchets up the pressure on the players by forcing them to keep adding new disease cubes to the board while the players spread out to try to keep them under control. The players can cure diseases by getting sets of player cards, but the challenge is that those cards are also used for other actions like moving more quickly around the board, so you have to decide whether to hang on to a card to try and cure or to get to a hot spot before an outbreak occurs. Also, to help get those sets for curing you can give cards to other players, but you have to be in the same place as the other player to do it. If you're both in the same place, you're not being as efficient treating diseases though. You have to balance treating with swapping cards for cures.

So what's fun about Pandemic? I enjoy the simple experience of working as a team with the other players rather than playing against them. You all get to discuss strategy and try to plot out your moves effectively. You always need to be in two or three places at once, so there are plenty of interesting decisions to be made. You share in the highs of victory and the lows of defeat together. Also, the game is very challenging. New players may find it difficult to defeat the game on the the easiest difficulty level, and the hardest level can be brutal if you're not working at top efficiency. Wins are not rare, but they are elusive. When you do manage to beat the game, it's a great feeling of accomplishment.

And what's not as fun about Pandemic? Well, the random setup and card draws can, in rare instances, lead to impossible games that can end on the first player's turn. It's one thing when a lucky dice roll benefits a player in an adversarial game, and another when a random card draw screws all the players. Of course, when that happens it's usually not too terrible to reset and play again. Perhaps the biggest potential issue with Pandemic and other cooperative games like it is the potential for the 'Table Captain'. That's a player who dominates the game discussion and ends up telling other players what to do. It's not nearly as fun a game when it's one person playing while everyone else is sitting around just holding the cards.

The only place that I know to play Pandemic digitally is on BrettSpielWelt.de.

Pandemic is a fantastic game. The pacing of the play, relative simplicity of the rules, and the cooperative nature make it a mainstay of my collection. One of the best parts is that the disease-fighting theme has universal appeal, and so you may have a better chance to bring in non-gamers to play it than the latest Sci-Fi/Fantasy extravaganza. I rate Pandemic a 9/10.

Find out more about it at it's BoardGameGeek.com page.

CFL Power Rankings #3

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 16:07:01 +0000

We're at the halfway mark of the season. Some teams are settling at the top and bottom, while others float in the middle and will be a fly in the ointment as they try to contend for a playoff spot. Four teams changed spots and it could have been more.

1 - Steel City Screaming Eagles, 10-2 (Last Rank #2)
Do the Screaming Eagles deserve to take the top spot after beating Indiana who was short a man? A, it doesn't matter because there are more games to be played and B, who's to say that Steel City wouldn't have won 3 of 4 anyway? Next up, SCSE hosts Ventura (2-10).

2 - Indiana SAMS, 8-3-1 (Last Rank #1)
Indiana suffered three losses without their leader, Says You. Other teams are looking for ways to sabotage his internet connection for each remaining game night. Next up they'll host the Windy City Hustlers (3-8-1).

3 - DC Detonators, 10-2 (Last Rank #3)
You could argue that DC should at least be number 2 or could be number 1. I was very close to putting them in both spots, but I couldn't drop Indiana that far and had no reason to put DC ahead of Steel City. Next up they'll travel to the Rocky Mountains (7-5).

4 - Rocky Mountain Rolling Thunder, 7-5 (Last Rank #4)
The Rolling Thunder has put Grizz up in a 5 star hotel with a T3 internet connection. They're eyeing revenge for Meet 2 when Grizz's gerbil-powered connection was just exhausted. Hosting DC (10-2).

5 - Jersey Red Dragons, 5-7 (Last Rank #5)
It's been an up and down season for Jersey so far. If they can gain some consistency, they have a chance to make a run for the wild card spot, if not the division lead if things break right. Next up they'll host Dayton (2-10).

6 - Dayton Cobras, 2-10 (Last Rank #6)
I nearly lost my mind and put Dayton ahead of Jersey based on the fact that their games have been closer. Dayton is fighting hard, but can't quite accumulate many wins. They'll have a chance to jump ahead of Jersey (5-7) when they visit Dayton next meet.

7 - Windy City Hustlers, 3-8-1 (Last Rank #8)
Windy City gets their first three wins of the season and is looking to put something together. The path doesn't get easy as they'll travel to Indiana (8-3-1) and take on a team looking to keep ground with the division leader.

8 - Ventura Warlords, 2-10 (Last Rank #7)
Ventura had some bad luck last meet as they were missing their Juice. Their games have been closer than the Hustlers so I regretted moving them here, however I had no choice with the Hustlers taking three from them last Sunday. The road is long with many a winding turn, but Ventura hopes to straighten things out when they face Steel City (10-2) next meet.

Rad or Bad - Streets of Fire

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 14:17:14 +0000

Streets of Fire

A Rock & Roll Fable

Another Time. Another Place.....

Another time and another place indeed. The movie opens in the fictional slums called The Richmond. Now famous rocker and local girl Ellen Aim(played by the oh so god damn sexy Diane Lane) and her band The Attackers have returned to play a benefit show for her old hood. But it's not the perfect night that Ellen's current boyfriend and concert promoter Billy Fish(Rick Moranis) had planned for. The local motorcycle gang, The Bombers, led by Raven Shaddock(Willem Dafoe) have stormed the concert and have taken Ellen hostage. In the crowd is a local Diner owner, Reva, who's brother Tom Cody(Michale Pare) used to date Ellen. Reva quickly sends word to her ex-soldier brother to come home as there's trouble. Tom arrives via train and with the help of Billy Fish, a local bar tender Clyde(Bill Paxton), and a scruffy gun for hire named McCoy(Amy Madigan) the group sets out to rescue Ellen. Though successful in their rescue they now have to deal with a very pissed off motorcycle gang which sets the stage for a final showdown between Tom and Raven.

It may sound pretty standard and for the most part it is. But what the movie lacks in originality it makes up for it in terms of style. The film somehow manages to fuse the 50's and 80's together. The cars, the characters, and the setting are right out of the 50's but the style and the music is a weird fusion of 80's pop and 50's greaser and doowop. It sounds like an odd mix but I'm sure at one point somebody thought peanut butter and chocolate was an odd mix as well.

To be honest I wasn't quite sure what to expect from this movie as it had been 20+ years since I last saw it. All I could remember about the film was how smokin' hot Ellen is, a cameo by The Blasters, and how Willem Dafoe made for a great greaser. Surely a film as odd as this would lose it over time. But as I watched it I found my foot tapping to the music, my heart racing each time Ellen is on screen, and me wanting to give Tom Cody a virtual high five for his ass kickery. If I have to make one complaint though then it has to be the use of a drum synthesizer in some of the action scenes. It just seems odd and is quite jarring.

Go ahead and enjoy The Blasters

All in all this movie is just as awesome as I remember it and it is Totally Rad. Seriously, if you are looking for a guilty pleasure movie then give this thing a shot. You could do a lot worse. On top of all that the sound track is pretty tight. This movie is a cult classic for sure.

I love this scene where Tom Cody comes back into town. Let the ass kicking begin! "Try it again punk"

Fun little fact: The movie was conceived during the making of 48hrs and is done by the same producers including Joel Silver who would go on to produce Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, and Commando among many other great action movies. Oh, and if you can't find it for rent you can find it on youtube and I'm willing to bet the youtube quality will be better then the rental quality.

Here's the official music video for movie. Sorry for the poor quality but it's the best I could find.

Get to know the new(ish) guy

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 19:27:50 +0000

So, this time around, I got the suggestion from Noodles to do an interview with Codsteaks. He's just one of those new guys that jumps right into the mix and it feels like he's been here for a while but we still don't quite know him that well. With that being said, I'm opening a Victory Hop Devil (don't judge, I'm off today) and hopefully, by the time I'm finished with it, this will be all typed out and you will all have gotten to know Codsteaks a little better.

So when I set him the first PM of the interview, I started it out with what every new person should be asked, "What brought you to SG?"

Since he started playing Xbox, Codsteaks has been pretty into the whole achievement system. The three main sites he frequented were xbox360acheivements.org, trueachievements.com, and 360voice.com (pulled this off of his browser history along with a few things that I wish I hadn't seen). Before getting his Xbox in January of 2010, he was big into MMO games and his wife would encourage him to quit before the birth of their son because they're such a time suck. (He actually said sink but we all know they suck. ) The MMO's are what got him into the communities of gamers so after switching to Xbox, he was on the hunt for something more like that. x360a is a smaller, tight nit group community of regulars. Trueachievements is more of a reference and utility based site. It may be useful but it's not a "community". And 360voice has a smaller number of regular users and posters. This is where he was introduced to SG through our very own Steelbilly. What, Steel likes achievement sites?! I never would have guessed!

No real interaction with them over there except when Cod decided to ~~stalk~~ subscribe to Steel's blog posts. Cod really started crushing on Steel through his blog posts. Ok, so that's not quite how it was but he did say that Steel seemed like "a really cool guy" and had referenced SG during one of his posts so he checked it out. After coming over, he was hooked. He was impressed that it wasn't just game and geek talk but posting about real life stuff that's happening with our families and such as well. It also shocked and impressed him that we have multiple meetups throughout the year and even after just being here for a short time, he can definitely see and agrees with the fact that SG is more like a family than just a forum/club/whatever else you may call it. He had seen someone mention that we can be kind of hard on newcomers but he didn't notice it. I think it's partly because he is SG material and not some "uber elite gamer" that comes here just for leagues or tourneys and then is never seen again.

After explaining that we usually do a pretty good job at self policing and that everyone gets a shot when they first sign up, I told him that he just hasn't reached that point yet. No, really though, I haven't interacted with him a whole lot but from what others have said, what I've seen and what I've discovered from this interview, he's a cool guy and is definitely SG material and a welcome addition to the family.

So what does he do other than gaming? TV. Next question. Wait, what? I have to elaborate? Ok, fine! He enjoys TV shows and movies but doesn't usually get to watch them "Live" so most of his watching is done through Hulu or Netflix. Reading is something else he enjoys but it tends to put him to sleep.

"I went through a period of being kind of obsessed with Texas Hold 'Em, and I still enjoy playing whenever I can. For a while I was playing in two different bar leagues every week. I read all kinds of theory books and actually got pretty good, but I got kind of burned out on the competition in the bars. Lots of donkeys in the bars. I still entertain the idea of trying to work up a bankroll in some of the local casino tournaments, but I don't have as much free time as I used to."

One of our members was recently in the lower tables on the World Series of Poker. I may be wrong but I think it was Schnook. Could someone clarify that for me? May be a good contact for Cod since that's something he's into. Ok, now back to the rest of this thing...

Outside of working and gaming, this guy is a family man. He has a son that is almost 2 1/2 and a daughter that is about a month old. They spend a lot of time outside with the boy because he likes to be outside. Walking, going to parks, riding the bike with his seat on the back and, last year, they went camping. He likes watching TV too but they try to limit that. They also spend a lot of time with Cod's in-laws. His wife has a big family a good chunk of them live close by. His family is pretty spread out all over the country. They try to visit family a couple times a year. Nebraska and Michigan are their regular trips and the in-laws have a really nice lake home up north so they go up pretty often to do some fishing.

He also wants to save up some money and get a nice Harley. We then went into a long discussion on bikes and how I want one but would never be able to get one (Colleen despises them and breaks down into tears at the mere mention of me possibly getting one so I let her win that one ). Steel also tells me that, in his words, "his pap restores old motorcycles". You should post some pictures sometime.

So, where does the GT come from? Well, it's not from Call of Duty and it's not what I thought (that he just loves big pieces of fish).

"I actually saw the name CodSteaks at the end of a claymation movie during some claymation festival when I was in high school. I thought it was a cool name so I've been using it ever since for various gaming purposes. It's not anything personal at all, and it has nothing to do with Call of Duty like a lot of people seem to assume.

If you Google CodSteaks you'll actually find the website for the production company that I kind of stole it from. They make models and figures and a bunch of stuff. This is why I haven't allowed my gamertag to become too famous, so I don't get sued."

He goes on to say that he has a whole PR team working constantly to keep his GT from gaining too much attention.

What does he listen to for music? Well, pretty much anything. Some of his favorite albums are by The Gorillaz, Nappy Roots, DJ Shadow, System of a Down, Tenacious D, Dave Matthews Band and Outkast. It pretty much depends on his mood. He bounces around a lot from station to station while in the car and has found "a great NPR music station that plays a huge variety of music."

For work, he's in automechanics. Wait a minute, the last person I interviewed, pretty much the only thing the COULDN'T do was work on cars. This is just too uncanny.

In his own words:
"For a living I'm a service advisor at a small auto shop. I'm basically the front desk guy. I do all the talking to customers, taking appointments, working up estimates and ordering parts and selling the work to the customers. I am trained and certified in auto mechanics, but only really have to work on them myself if we're really busy.

I like it enough. I like that I know how to work on cars and can service and fix my own vehicles for pretty cheap. I got in to this field after I dropped out of college because I had no idea what I wanted to study. That and I was doing more partying than studying. I figured if I knew how to work on cars I could get a job pretty much anywhere, and had it in mind that I would go back to school once I figured out what I really wanted to do.

Well, that was 10 years ago, and now I have a wife and two kids and I'm pretty settled in this career. I still toy with the idea of going back to school one day. I think a different career might be a little more fulfilling. I think I'd like to study some sort of natural science or maybe engineering. I got a little scared off of math in college though, which was a big hit on my self-confidence. I went from advanced calculus in high school and testing out of any general math requirements to being completely confused in math-based physics and comp sci courses I took at the college level. That didn't feel very good. But I think if I focused on it I'd do a little better now. Like I said, I was a little distracted at the time.

There's also the fact that I'm kind of lazy holding me back. Having a good paying job and a house and being able to come home and relax with my nights and weekends is pretty nice."

After a little discussion of what fuse I need to replace in my car, we moved on to the next question, well, not really a question but a bit of a discussion we had somewhere in the middle of the interview. He enjoys guns and would like to someday own one but if he got the money saved up, would go with a tattoo instead. Me? I'm planning on both. He loves Sons of Anarchy and commented on the family picture (Mahonay on my shoulders).

So, in the wrapping up of things, I asked what kind of games he plays. Since he's new(ish) to SG, I figured that if someone read this and wanted to hit him up with an FR or game invites, this would be the way to get the word out about what he plays. He's an acheivement whore, he'll play about anything. Lately, though, he's been jumping into games of GoW 3, MW3, GRAW 2 and is really looking forward to AC:3. "Assassins Creed is definitely my favorite current gen franchise. I have Borderlands 2 on preorder, but I may decide to go for the next GRAW instead. I've been having a lot of fun in the semi-weekly GRAW nights. I'm really torn on that one." I figured that by getting his name out there more would cause his PR department to earn their wages.

A little thing that I'm going to do on these interviews that I thought of at the end of this one is asking my previous interviewee of a question to ask the new victim. Cod, that means you can't go anywhere, at least not until I do the next interview. I shot a text to Mystry who wanted me to ask "Who is your forum rival and why?"

"Haha, that's a good one. I haven't really run into any rivalries with anyone that I can tell. I think my posting style seems to be most like Noodles, but I don't know that we would be rivals. I'm not funny enough to try to rival corndog or Lassie. I'll say Noodles. Maybe it'll be better to start a rivalry with him since people already seem to think we're man-crushing on each other or something. ../public/style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif"

That's right! The same person that suggested he be interviewed next is the one that he chooses as a forum rival.

Well, that wraps up this issue of...of...what the hell am I gonna call this thing? Am I just going to rename it every time? Someone give me name suggestions for my interviews! See you guys next time! Oh, look at that, perfect timing. Just finished that beer.

The Three Stooges

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 05:08:34 +0000

Let me preface this by saying I love the Stooges. I'm sure I said some of this before, but when I was about 12 or 13, my brother brought home a video tape and that was it. I was taping the Stooges every Sunday morning. I had about 23 videos tapes without about 95% of all of their short films on them. I wrote up the titles of each short and kept it on a piece of paper that had their heads in 8 bit art that I made.

I wrote a 3 Stooges script that I was going to shoot with my cousins. I was even going to shave my head for the part. I drew pictures of the stooges and mailed it to Moe's daughter, who wrote back and said she'd use it for her next book (which she never wrote.) I drew comic strips. I made and solid bulletin boards.

I read every book on the 3 Stooges, except Larry's autobiography which is out of print and impossible to find. I read scripts, biographies, autobiographies, trivia books.... everything. I bought posts, prints, 8x10's, records. I had a mix tape of all ten times they sang in the shorts.

I now own the entire 190 shorts on DVD as well as a couple of their movies.

You likely won't find anyone who knows the Stooges better than me. Sure, there are lots of people who do, but you probably don't know them is the point.

Big fan.

I saw the 9:30 showing and there weren't a lot of people in the theater, maybe 30 tops. However, this was a good crowd and they loved the movie.

So, the movie starts after showing them being dropped off at the orphanage which we saw in the trailer. They skip ahead 10 years to what is the most painful part of the movie. I don't want to see kids imitating the Stooges. The kids did some Stooge hijinks that was mildly funny, but mostly I was wanting the remote control to fast forward ahead.

Skip ahead 25 years and that's where we see them as adults. That's when they started doing all the slapstick you know and love. They even reused and rewrote some of their old jokes and gags. The plot is that the orphanage they live/work at is to be shut down (due to the Stooges damage over the years). The nuns will be spread to other places and the kids will go to foster homes. It's up to the Stooges get raise the money and save the day.

The movie is kind of split into three parts. It's all the same story, but the made it look like the old 20 minute shorts.

Jane Lynch could have been anyone and doesn't stand out. Larry David is funny as he seethes every line and makes very little effort to sound like a woman. Sofia Vergara plays the scheming wife well. Jennifer Hudson seemed like pointless casting. But this movie is about the Stooges and all of the other parts are just throwaways.

Curly - Curly is probably the easiest stooge to do an impression of. Just do a high pitch voice, right? Will Sasso does a very good job, and he's got all the mannerisms down. Very well done, but he does tend to overdo them a little too much. It's like he knows all the notes, but doesn't quite know what order to play them in.

Moe - Moe's voice, accent, and tone were all great. Chris Diamantopoulos does a better Moe than Sasso does Curly. Curly had so much to imitate, but Moe just had to be mean and hit people. Somehow, Chris made me believe this was Moe.

Larry - Sean Hayes does a spot on Larry. He's got the voice, the mannerisms, even his running gait... he is Larry. It's really incredible. The only person who does a better voice impression is Billy West.

Now, while nothing will ever replace the 3 Stooges or be better than them, I have never laughed so hard at a 3 Stooges film. I nearly had tears in my eyes and I was doubled over with laughter many times. Keep in mind that A) I'm a 3 Stooges fan, and B) I'm very nostalgic. Will you laugh as hard? You might, because I was not laughing nearly as much as the other people in the theater.

Spoiler -

Spoiler

It's dumb. It's repetitive. Some things fall flat (like all the scenes with the orphans in it), but when it's on, it's great-- if you like slapstick. It's a wonderful homage to the 3 Stooges and I'm very glad they made it.

Schwarztoberfest Part VII: The Future Years

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 22:36:38 +0000

Last, we take a look at all of the movies that on the horizon for Arnold in Part 7, The Future Years. Let's hope these are some kick-ass films that don't strip Uncle Arnold of his dignity. Let's hope we can get past how tiny our 65 year-old, former behemoth has gotten and that his charisma is as strong as ever.

Aside from the The Expendables and Twins sequels, I'm really looking forward to these movies. Hopefully the world doesn't end in December and I can enjoy them.

The Expendables 2
Arnold reprises the role of Trench Mauser, who we know little about except that he used to know Stallone's character back in the day. Arnold's role here is relatively larger and his alleged to be more substantial than it was in the first film. He filmed his part in 4 days, so he won't have a lot of screen time, but the only trailer I've seen shows each of the major stars and Arnold does have a gun and is firing, so that's promising.

Last Stand
This film is in post-production already, but it isn't due to be released until 2013. Korean director Jee-woon Kim, who is known for his action-suspense movies, directs Arnold in what will be Arnold's first feature role in his return to film-making, and Kim's first English-language film.

Arnold stars as ex-LAPD cop Sheriff Owens, a man who has resigned himself to a life of fighting what little crime takes place in sleepy border town Sommerton Junction. After a spectacular escape from an FBI prisoner convoy, the most notorious, wanted drug kingpin in the hemisphere is headed for the border with a hostage and an army of gang members. Naturally, he is headed straight for Summerton Junction, where U.S. law enforcement will make a last stand and apprehend him before he is gone forever.

Rounding out the cast are Genesis Rodriquez, Zach Gilford, Forest Whitaker, Luis Guzman, Rodrigo Santoro, Johnny Knoxville, Jaimie Alexander, Eduardo Noriega, Peter Stormare and Harry Dean Stanton.

Unknown Soldier (aka Black Sunday and Black Sands)
Set to begin filming this June, Unknown Soldier will feature Schwarzenegger as a loner who wages war against a ruthless weapons manufacturer and his private army. It is described as being a cross between Tony Scott's "vigilante on a quest for redemption" thriller Man on Fire and Clint Eastwood's down n' dirty western High Plains Drifter.

The film is also said to have some sort of supernatural element and Arnold has said his character is kind of an angel, but cannot elaborate. It's also been described as a cross between Commando and Constantine.

The Tomb
Ray Breslin (Sylvester Stallone) is the world's foremost authority on structural security. After analyzing every high security prison and learning a vast array of survival skills so he can design escape-proof prisons, his skills are put to the test. He's framed and incarcerated in a master prison he designed himself-- the prison is a ship. Inside the prison, a man known as "Church" (Schwarzenegger) helps inmates deal with and survive prison life. He attempts to help Ray escape from prison

Also starring in the film are Vinnie Jones, Vincent D'Onofrio, 50 cent, and Amy Ryan (The Office).

Triplets
Sigh... a return to comedy. I don't have high hopes for this picture, but if Ivan Reitman is involved, it won't be all bad. Unlikely twins Arnold and Danny DeVito find out they are not twins, but triplets. The third triplet will be played by Eddie Murphy. Hopefully this is funny Eddie (Beverly Hills Cop) and not unfunny Eddie (Most recent films).

Having watched Twins recently, I don't see how he could be a triplet. Where was he? Why did the old guy tell him of just Vincent and not Eddie? Wait and see, I suppose. Yeah, I'll see it.

And now for the rumored projects...

Captive
Captive could see Schwarzenegger as an American real estate magnate living in Brazil who is kidnapped and held for ransom. While he tries to escape from an armoured-truck prison cell hidden in a São Paulo landfill, a detective specializing in kidnap and ransom cases works to find him.

Cry Macho
Schwarzenegger, 63, will play Mike, a once well-regarded horse trainer whose wife and son have died. His former boss makes him an over he can't refuse: $400,000 to kidnap the boss' trust fund son, who is living with the man's ex-wife in Mexico. But when Mike locates the boy, a real troublemaker, the ex-wife doesn't want the kid. But as Mike and the boy head back to the states, with the Federales are on their trail, they develop a father-son bond of their own.

Terminator 5
Not much out there on this one, but it could be a 3D animated film with Arnold providing the voice and past body for the Terminator. Personally, I'd prefer to see Arnold as the person the Terminator was designed after. It would take place years after the war starts, and the Arnold character is an aging war veteran still fighting the good fight.

There has also been talk of sequels to True Lies (Tom Arnold wants to do it) as well as remakes of Predator and The Running Man. Remakes?!

Well, that about does it. I hope you enjoyed reminiscing on the classic and not so classic films of the Austrian Oaks career. I need a vacation.

I'd love to have your feedback: Which of these movies are you most looking forward to? Which will you see in the theater? Which will you wait and see at home?

Schwarztoberfest Part VI: The Saggy Muscles Years

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 21:59:05 +0000

The rest may not be great, but the worst is behind us now. Arnold's physique is less used in the storyline as his physique is no longer what it was. The films are using Arnold's name and action-hero appeal to draw crowds. However, it's the physique that made him famous and the lack of it seems to coincide with the lack of a box-office.

End of Days
Release Date: November 24, 1999
Gross: $212 million (Worldwide)

I saw this movie in the theater and that's probably the last time I saw it. I seem to recall at the time I liked Arnold branching out into new genres. I remember feeling the movie was not bad, but not great. It was okay and I liked it. A good bet is that I'm going to end up rating this one a 7.

It's the end of the millenium and the devil is out on parole looking for a bride.

FAST FACTS: The nurse who delivers Christine as a baby, went on to play Professor Sprout in several Harry Potter films.

Yum! Pepto Bismo, leftover beer, chinese food, and pizza off the ground. Only the best for Arnie's breakfast milkshake.

Old man sniper on the roof first runs towards the choppa that Arnold is in, then as Arnold is hanging from the chopper, he runs away from Arnold in a straight line-- the easiest path for Arnold to follow.

FAST FACTS: Arnold's part was originally written for Tom Cruise, the part of that went to Robin Tunney was intended for Kate Winslet, and Sam Raimi was offered the director's chair, which he turned down to make a different picture.

I wonder if this movie would have been scary with a different lead actor.

The evil priest sounds like the fish, Klaus, from American Dad!.

Love the old nurse/priestess (Professor Sprout) kicking Arnold's ass.

FAST FACTS: The pope is played by Mark Margolis, who, if you watch the best show on television, you know as Hector Salamanca from Breaking Bad.

Arnold, possessed by Satan, tries not to to have sex with Christine, his intended. If only he had been this strong with his housekeeper.

This is not a bad movie, it's better than I had remembered. It's got action, suspense, and it lacks cheesy one-liners. Kevin Pollack, Gabriel Byrne, and Robin Tunney are all fine actors. Again, it's just not your typical Arnold movie.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 30 (estimated)
Cheese Factor: 2 of 10
WTF Moment: The albino with the knots in his hair who shattered like porcelain when touched.
Date Watched: April 1st
Overall Rating: 6.7 of 10

The 6th Day
Release Date: November 17, 2000
Gross: $96 million (Worldwide)

Okay, here we go with the third movie of the day. This movie isn't bad, but it doesn't live up to expectations for Arnold Sci-Fi Action flick. I think I recently saw this movie within the last three months. It'd be nice not to have to do this one again so soon.

FAST FACTS: Kevin Costner turned down the lead role in this film due to scheduling conflicts.

This future, which Arnold has said is 2015, has some pretty neat things. The mirror that delivers news and video, the fridge that lets you know when you're low on milk and lets you order more or other items, cloning your pets, and OnStar auto-driving your car are just a few things shown right away.

SPOILER ALERT: I never realized that the Arnold we follow throughout the film is actually the clone. When he wakes up in the taxi after the activists attack Drucker he is the clone from that point forward.

Three of the people chasing Arnold are The Walking Dead's Michael rooker, 24's Sarah Wynter (Kate Warner) who was also on Person of Interest recently, and Old Spice's Terry Crews.

So, the bad guys use Doberman Pinschers to capture Arnold's daughter and wife. Of course, this only works because the daughter just happened to have to go to the bathroom at that time and the wife, not Arnold, went to go look for her.

Is Robert Duvall not one of the greatest actors of our time?

I'm not sure why this movie didn't do that well. It's got a neat twist, a cool premise, villains, action... yet, it just kinda falls flat.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 15
Cheese Factor: 3 of 10
WTF Moment: Sim-Pal's!!!
Date Watched: April 1st
Overall Rating: 6.65 of 10

Collateral Damage
Release Date: February 8, 2002
Gross: $78 million (Worldwide)

This movie suffered from poor timing. Originally scheduled to be released in October of 2001, producers shelved the movie due to the September 11th attacks. When it finally did come out, it was probably still too soon. I don't know that it would have helped the box office, but they should have waited a couple of years.

This is the penultimate film before Arnold's gubernatorial years. It's his last "real" acting role, since acting like the Terminator is just being a robot, which is essentially the opposite of acting.

FAST FACTS: Modern Family's Sofia Vegara was originally cast to play an airplane hijacker, but after September 11th, the hijacking scene was scrapped.

Inside a burning building, Arnold runs and leaps across a large hole in the floor. He misses, but uses his axe as a climbing tool and pulls himself up. Arnold was fifty-five when this was filmed and he's in the saggy muscle phase of his career. He's also wearing fire gear and SCBA. I don't think so, Arnie.

FAST FACTS: One of Arnold's fellow firefighters is the actor who played Tuco in Breaking Bad. What comes as a shock to me is that the actor, Raymond Cruz, will be 51 this year.

Arnold gets blown down during the explosion. His head smacks down on his hand and knocks himself out. That hand is likely made from Austrian oak, so it's understandable I suppose. Of course the cuts on his head are later shown on the side that didn't hit his hand.

There are a lot of scenes where Arnold looks sad or had tears in his eyes. Rumor has it that the director told him there was a worldwide shortage of schnitzel, bratwurst, and franks in blankets (his favorite).

Gunmen are coming for Arnold and some refugees. Arnold picks up a small child and runs. The gunmen fire and the next thing you see, Arnold is running harder and is no longer carrying a child. lol.

The scenes of Arnold in the rapids are pretty funny. His gasps for air are overacted and the green-screen work is pretty obvious.

Snake down the pipes! What happens to the snake after it's in the guy's stomach and he dies?

Love the guy stomping the green cocaine mess, clapping his hands, eyes wide open. Explosions all around him and he just continues stomping and clapping.

This movie isn't so bad, but it suffers a bit from slow pacing.

Jane Lynch, of Glee and most if not all of the Christopher Guest mockumentaries, appears in the movie as the FBI agent whom the terrorist's wife goes to the bathroom with. She gets a blow to the face and a twisted neck for her kindness.

I love how Arnold uses all of his firefighter skills and knowledge to fight terrorists in this film. Who knew that firefighters were the key to ending terrorism.

I think there's an homage to Batman & Robin in the film as Arnold seems to float in the air a big longer than he should after an explosion.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 14
Cheese Factor: 3 of 10
WTF Moment: Arnold bites a guy's ear off, then spits a HUGE chunk out. I'm pretty sure it was the entire ear.
Date Watched: April 3rd
Overall Rating: 6.6 of 10

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
Release Date: July 2, 2003
Gross: $433 million (Worldwide)

So here we are at Arnold's last starring film before retiring to be governor. What better film to wrap up his career, then the franchise that helped boost him to stardom.

I've waited several days before watching this one. It's like having a plate full of filet mignon, and you've got one last bite until it's all gone. You want to make it last just a little bit longer, but also, you've had so much of it that you need a little break.

FAST FACTS: So, we've all seen the picture or flabby Arnold in a bathing suit with sagging muscles. That picture was taken sometime prior to the Arnold being signed to star in T3. He then worked out for 3 hours a day over 6 months and built himself back to his T2 measurements. As a result, I think this is the first time Arnold has had his shirt off in a movie since Junior.

Nick Stahl, who plays John Connor, just does not look the part. He kind of looks clownish. Claire Danes is a good actress, but she's certainly looked better than she does in this film. Long-haired blonde > short-haired redhead.

If I were John Connor or one of his lieutenants, I'd probably be dead pretty quickly, because I don't think I'd run from Kristanna Loken.

Arnold arrives. They avoid showing his stomach and in one shot from the rear, you can see he has some minor love handles. Still, great effort to look as big as he did at 54 years old.

I like the bits of humor in the bar when Arnold shows up. The talk the the hand bit was funny (he grabs the hand and talks into it) and trying on the default sunglasses that came with his outfit was funny as well. Also, on his computer screen, while he's looking for clothes, he scans some woman at the bar who's wearing, among other things a bikini top. The scan results says "Inappropriate."

I like that the T-X is there to kill John and all of the future lieutenants from the future.

Wow, I forgot the Arnold rescued Kate by driving his truck into the T-X right over top of Kate laying on the ground. That was pretty cool.

I kind of miss the old emotionless terminator. Arnold seems to have too much emotion when he tells John to "Drive! Get out of here!" Maybe those are upgrades on the original model...

FAST FACTS: When John Connor crashes his truck into the car, the angry guy who gets out is Arnold's personal stunt double, Billy D. Lucas. I would guess this is the guy who so blatantly shows up in True Lies.

Wow, love the shot of the T-X swinging Arnold on the crane into an ambulance only for Arnold to kick the ambulance over.

The action in this whole sequence is awesome. Arnold getting smashed into the fire truck going in the opposite direction, only to then start driving the fire truck from outside until he climbs in. "Get out."

FAST FACTS: The scene where the crane smashes through the glass building was financially helped by Arnold, who donated $1.4 million of his salary to make sure the scene was shot.

"Katherine Brewster, have you sustained injury?"
"Drop Dead, you asshole!"
"I am unable to comply."

T-X jams her hand through the car seat, through the driver, and then drives the car through him. Awesome!

Always loved the coffin on the shoulder shootout.

I'm not sure how John Connor fits in the coffin, because once they are back in the hearse, the guns are in the coffin filled to the top and there's no room for him in there. Maybe the coffin is like a Pez dispenser...

FAST FACTS: Kate's fiance, Scott Mason, was originally named Scott Peterson but it was changed due to the California man with the same name who killed his pregnant wife. In the end credits, the name is still Scott Peterson.

Arnold seems to move too fast as the terminator. I don't think he's ever run before until this movie. The slow methodical "Jason Voorhees" terminator has a spring in his step like never before.

Awesome hand-to-hand combat fight by the terminators. Arnold gives the T-X a swirly!

The terminators would be more effective if they stopped throwing people and just ripped their heads off. I think they suffer from overconfidence.

The whole rise of the machines seems less far-fetched than it once did. It seems like everyday I'm reading articles about advancements in robotics and AI. We're not learning from movies like the Terminator franchise, the Battlestar Galactica TV series, or even Maximum Overdrive. We've got flea-robots that can jump two stories, remote drones, robot-helicopters, robot-cheetahs, and all kinds of other scary shit that will obviously unite once IBM's Watson becomes self-aware. We've been warned.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 4
Cheese Factor: 4 of 10
WTF Moment: I guess it would have to be the "talk to the hand" bit when Arnold says it to the clerk in the convenience store. That was probably the cheesiest part done for a quick laugh.
Date Watched: April 8th
Overall Rating: 8.25 of 10

If this article were written when T3 was released, we'd have a long ten years to wait for Arnold's next starring role. As it turns out, we've got less than a year. Tune in tomorrow to see what the future holds for Arnold at the cinema.

Here are my ratings/rankings for all of the Schwarzenegger movies I watched:

Terminator 2.........................9.50
Predator...............................9.25
True Lies..............................9.00
The Terminator.....................8.75
Total Recall..........................8.50
Terminator 3.........................8.25
The Running Man.................8.10
Pumping Iron........................8.00
Commando...........................7.50
Eraser..................................7.30
Conan the Barbarian...........7.20
Twins...................................7.10
Kindergarten Cop................7.00
Jingle All the Way................6.90
Junior..................................6.80
Last Action Hero.................6.75
End of Days........................6.70
The 6th Day........................6.65
Collateral Damage..............6.60
Red Heat............................6.50
Stay Hungry........................6.10
Raw Deal............................6.00
The Villain...........................5.75
Conan the Destroyer..........5.00
Batman & Robin.................3.00
Red Sonja...........................2.50
Hercules in New York.........2.00

I'd love to have your feedback: Which of these movies do you like? Which are your favorites? What are some memorable moments? Which have you never seen?

Schwarztoberfest Part V: The Tarnished Star Years

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 21:15:38 +0000

The movies in this phase are really not that bad. Junior and Jingle are actually funny movies and Eraser's not a bad action film. However, Batman & Robin is so incredibly bad, it brings them all down.

Basically, we have a phase of two comedies, one joke, and a decent action film. Together, it breaks away from the solid action, thus the star is tarnished.

Junior
Release Date: November 23, 1994
Gross: $108 million (Worldwide)

This is Arnold's third teaming with Director Ivan Reitman (Twins, Kindergarten Cop) and while I enjoy a comedy, people do not want to see Arnold as a pregnant. Arnold's core audience are action fans. A comedy with Arnold is welcome now and then, but do we really need to play the pregnancy card?

I rarely have anything bad to say about an Arnold flick, and throughout these articles, I was looking forward to watching all of the films with the exception of this one. For the other two Ivan Reitman films, there were things I could enjoy about them, but as I press play and wait for this one to start, I'm dreading the next two hours.

Danny DeVito is a really good actor. Maybe it's being next to Arnold, but I don't think so. He's just very natural. Also, I've said it before, maybe as far back as the previous movie, but Arnold's acting skills have greatly improved over the years.

Arnold should have worked out before this film. While he's still large, he's soft and kinda doughy. He also has an odd hair color. He's been dyeing it for a long time, considering he was going gray as far back as The Villain in 1979.

Not much to comment on here. It's not a bad film, it's actually pretty funny, but it's not the reason I'm a fan of Arnold's or why I watch his films.

FAST FACTS: The receptionist at the getaway Arnold stays at is the actress who plays Skyler White on Breaking Bad.

Arnold totally looks like Martina Navratilova dressed as a woman.

FAST FACTS: The janitor at Danny DeVito's office is Arnold's sidekick from Conan the Destroyer.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 1
Cheese Factor: 3 of 10
WTF Moment: Take your pick: Arnold pregnant, dream baby Arnold, Arnold dressed-up and talking like a woman, or Arnold eating cake off his baby's foot.
Date Watched: March 25th
Overall Rating: 6.8 of 10

Eraser
Release Date: July 15, 1994
Gross: $242 million (Worldwide)

Admittedly, I'm starting to tire of this project. It's not that it's too much Arnold, it's that I have to sit here and type and count people he beats up and kills. It's finding the "fast facts" and "WTF Moments". It's too many movies I've already seen in too little time. Of course, this is my project and I decided to do it, so I'll finish it thorugh to the end, but it may take longer to get through the final films.

Eraser doesn't really belong under the Tarnished Star category, but it's packed in the middle of of some questionable choices. To me, the only truly poor choices he made were Batman & Robin and Hercules in New York.

FAST FACTS: Eraser was originally written for Robert DeNiro.

Love the kill where Arnold slams the guys head in the freezer, then twists the body to break the neck.

This movie has some "movie timing". Calm and cool Arnold arrives just before they kill the guy, he exits the house just before it explodes, and they leave the scene just before the police get there.

Oooh... they just used the "I could tell you but I'd have to kill you" line, and were serious.

James Coburn. Cool as ice. Awesome voice. Dead. One of my favorite lines of his is from Payback after Mel Gibson's character shoots a hole in his expensive luggage: "Man, that's just MEAN. That's MEAN, man."

FAST FACTS: The company in the film Cyrez was originally called Cyrex, but Cyrix, a real company whined and they had to change it. Everything was already shot, so they changed all of the logos in the film digitally and redubbed all the lines. When Vanessa is "made" you can see the guard's uniform says Cyrez, but when they show a shot from her spy camera, it says Cyrex-- I found that bit myself.

James Cromwell is such a unique actor in that he can play mean badasses and kindly old men and they're equally believable.

When in doubt, throw an office chair.

Why is it the rail gun shoots through everything until it hits a human body, and then it knocks it flying backwards several yards. They should just make barricades, cover, and railgun-proof vests out of bodies.

This is a decent action movie with some humor from the mafia sidekicks that can be a little cheesy at times.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 42
Cheese Factor: 4 of 10
WTF Moment: James Caan's seasoned character continually underestimating Arnold, despite calling him the best, and assuming he's dead too many times.
Date Watched: March 30th
Overall Rating: 7.3 of 10

Jingle All the Way
Release Date: November 22, 1996
Gross: $129 million (Worldwide)

I like this movie, but then, I like almost everything Arnold is in. It's like he's a much-loved uncle and you just don't feel right bashing any movie. Not that this one deserves bashing, but again, it's a comedy and the hardcore Arnie fans want action.

FAST FACTS: Arnold was available for this film after the remake of Planet of the Apes was held up again. Like most of you, I'd rather have seen him in that than this.

"Wha? Who told you, you could eat my cookies?"

The Santa Claus and elves fight is pretty funny. Who doesn't love watching a dwarf fly across a room after being punched in the face.

FAST FACTS: The giant Santa Claus that Arnold fights with is Paul Wight, aka the wrestler The Big Show.

Jamie, Arnold's son in the movie, needs an attitude adjustment. He's an angry little guy and as we all know, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the death of all the Jedi.

FAST FACTS: The broadcaster live at the parade is the actor who played Jackie Chiles on Seinfeld and Martian Manhunter on Smallville.

How cool would it be as a kid, to idolize some superhero and then have it turn out to be your dad.

How does no one recognize Arnold's voice or face under the mask? His whole face is shown from the eyes down and the modulation thing they do to his voice barely changes anything.

Arnold apologizes to the cop for the cop running into a bus, but Arnold had no idea that happened. They should have gotten the guy who dubbed over Arnold's voice in Hercules in New York to do the voice. It's like one of those masks that make you sound like Darth Vader, but if we were to put this one on it's make us sound like Arnold.

FAST FACTS: Joe Pesci was originally considered for the role of Myron, which ultimately went to Sinbad.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 14
Cheese Factor: 5 of 10
WTF Moment: Animatronic reindeer head.
Date Watched: March 31st
Overall Rating: 6.9 of 10

Batman and Robin
Release Date: June 20, 1997
Gross: $238 million (Worldwide)

Good God, what have I gotten myself into? I loved the Batman movies and this is the one that killed off the first series. Not that Batman Forever didn't help. Hell, let's face it, they kept getting worse and worse. As a Batman fan, I don't think it mattered because I would have been there to witness that crap each time.

Way to start off the film with a bunch of crotch and ass shots. The costumes are just horrible and the action sequences seem to lack gravity. I think the dialog may have been lifted from the reject pile of the old TV show.

FAST FACTS: Filmmakers originally wanted Anthony Hopkins to play the part of Mr. Freeze as well as Patrick Stewart. Schumacher then felt Freeze should look chiseled out of ice, so he cast Arnold. His second and third choices were Stallone and Hulk Hogan.

Ooph! I forgot exactly how bad this movie was. I thought there was something redeeming about it.

Clooney's head moves like it's a side-to-side bobble head.

FAST FACTS: The actor who played Dr. Woodrue, the mad scientist who created Bane, would later play Lex Luthor's father on Smallville.

I always liked the inclusion of the Snow Miser song. It fits in this mess.

When Barbara Gordon arrives at Wayne Manor, she manages to see Uncle Alfred before he even comes around the corner. Bruce Wayne is so pleased with himself when he guesses where she studied.

How sad is it that Alfred comes from a family of butlers. It's like being a butler is hereditary.

FAST FACTS: The actor who plays Bane is former wrestler Robert "Jeep" Swenson, aka The Ultimate Solution. He was 6' 4", 405 pounds and died of heart failure two months after the film was released.

As much as I wish Arnold had turned this role down so I wouldn't have to watch it, he actually fits the role in this movie very well. The cheesy one liners is what he does best. Let me say that he'd be a pretty bad Freeze in Nolan's world, though.

FAST FACTS: One of the guards to unpacks Freeze in prison is Jesse Ventura. The other is Ralf Moeller who would go on to play Conan in the Conan TV series. He'd also appear with Sven-Ole Thorsen in Gladiator. So, this movie has two Conan's, two former wrestlers, and two future governors.

Barbara Gordon, in an unforgettable motorcycle race, crashes and is caught by Robin before they plummet over the edge of a bridge or something. Robin is hanging by his foot on a piece of rebar and holding onto Barbara. His priority? To remove his helmet, reveal who he is, and issue a cheesy one liner.

I wish I could go to an alternate universe where this film and Batman Forever featured the same cast, but were produced and directed by Tim Burton and without toy company influence.

Oh great, Alfred has detailed files about Batman on a disc and his password is "peg". And of course right next to his computer is a picture of his sister, signed "Peg". There's security for ya.

Really? Batgirl's costume has high heels?!

OMG? I just saw reversed film footage like you'd see in the Three Stooges or Little Rascals. Robin was underwater and burst out of it, but then I assume the vines pulled him under, so they reversed the film and he was pulled back under. It doesn't look odd at all seeing water move backwards, no...

I see the freeze ray in Gotham observatory freezes whatever it touches, yet everything behind the ray, out of its reach, is already frozen.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 8 (mostly frozen people)
Cheese Factor: 9 of 10
WTF Moment: Batman & Robin, the entire movie.
Date Watched: April 1st
Overall Rating: 3 of 10

Nothing but action on the horizon, but the roles Arnold portrays no longer take advantage of his size. Anyone could play these roles and it'd work. Tomorrow, we look at the saggy muscles phase.

I'd love to have your feedback: Which of these movies do you like? Which are your favorites? What are some memorable moments? Which have you never seen?

Schwarztoberfest Part IV: The Shining Star Years

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 17:42:56 +0000

Arnold is a star. He's getting offered top scripts that some of the best actors in Hollywood were turning down. His name alone is bringing millions in profits because every fan, like myself, is going to see Arnold's next picture. These films represent the peak of his career.

Total Recall
Release Date: June 1, 1990
Gross: $261 million (worldwide)

Total Recall is another of my favorites. I remember seeing it at the old Middlebrook movie theater where I also saw The Running Man. I wouldn't quite call this an "A" type movie, but it's up there, especially for Schwarzenegger. I hope it holds up as well as I remember it.

Side Note: As has been the case with many of the other movies I've watched, I'm eating sushi. Except I don't eat raw fish, I eat cucumber rolls, California rolls, crab, and shrimp as long as it's cooked. Well, my spicy shrimp looks a little odd tonight. I checked the receipt and it's spicy tuna. Crap! I don't think I can handle it, but I'm going to give it a shot because I don't like to waste anything. I may be puking or spitting this up very soon. Stay tuned after the review for the results.

The wall TV that turns into a widescreen outdoor landscape is pretty cool. I'd like to have that, please.

I love this movie. I love how they leave it open that the whole movie after the visit to Rekall could be a dream. I don't think it is personally, but it leaves it mostly open.

Sharon Stone in a tube top... sweaty chest.... mmmmm. I can't stand her though. She think's she's Meryl Streep or something. She's so full of herself. /rant

What's with the Charles Nelson Reilly glasses on the guy tracking Arnold? Sad to think that's what we'll have to wear in the future.

FAST FACTS: Arnold really wanted to work with director Paul Verhoeven after seeing Robocop, a movie that Arnold was supposed to star in as the robocop. Due to problems with the suit, he was unable to do it. Who wishes they could have seen that? :Raises hand:

Talk about a meat shield!

What's with the car tin foil car the bad guys are driving while tracking Arnold? It kinda looks like the car that Dynamo was driving in The Running Man. Same manufacturer, no doubt.

What's with the Johnny Cab hitting the wall at 10 miles per hour and exploding?

FAST FACTS: The voice of Johnny Cab is Robert Picardo, who played the hologram doctor in some Star Trek nonsense.

Hologram Arnold is pretty cool, and a pretty cool special effect for the movie. On the other hand, the fake Arnold head that has the tracker pulled out the nose is pretty bad looking. I think we can all thank the wonder of CGI that we don't have to see that garbage anymore.

"Get your ass to Mars!"

Back on the special effects, the Arnold head inside the red-headed lady's head looks really bad too-- and small. Her head is like twice the size of his head.

Benny the cab driver is sooooo annoying. Who let him procreate?

FAST FACTS: Tony, the fleshy-headed mutant guy in the mutant bar who gives Arnold a hard time, is the actor who plays Hank in Breaking Bad.

Never let 'em see you sweat, Dr. Edgemore.

"Consider dat a divorce."

Funny how they can't get the actors to all pronounce a name the same way. I've heard "Qua-Too" and "Coo-ah-Too".

Is there anything better than a dwarf prostitute standing on a bar firing a machine gun?

Wow, there is some violence in this movie. I seem to recall it was originally rated X due to violence until they re-edited.

Sushi update: Well, it wasn't terrible. What is it, chopped up? It wasn't like a chewy piece of meat, it was more mushy. I don't know that I'd order it again, but I'd find out if it's supposed to be a mushy paste before I did.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 39
Cheese Factor: 3 of 10
WTF Moment: Kuato. 'Nuff said.
Date Watched: March 21st
Overall Rating: 8.5 of 10

Kindergarten Cop
Release Date: December 22, 1990
Gross: $202 million (Worldwide)

So, my pre-movie thoughts are, there's nothing to look forward to in this movie. It's not a bad movie, but like Twins, it's a comedy. I'll continue to watch whatever comedies Arnold puts out, but it's the action movies I really look forward to.

"Party's over. I'm the party-pooper."

FAST FACTS: Bill Murray and Patrick Swayze were originally offered the part of John Kimble. Danny DeVito was also considered, but was too short.

It's kinda idiotic that Kimble can't get the snaps off the little girls overalls. I know they had to have a reason for him to meet the other teacher, but they couldn't up with anything better than that?

"It's not a tumor!"

Again, Arnold is not bad as an actor. The role just suits him, I guess. He seems natural when he's not trying to be tough-- when he's not asked to act. Credit Ivan Reitman for knowing how to get the most from Arnold.

Something sounds familiar... Reitman used the same composer as he did with Twins. It's very similar.

FAST FACTS: Director Ivan Reitman cast his son, future-director Jason Reitman as the boy in the closet making out with the girl during the the fire alarm. Angela Bassett also plays a stewardess on the airplane when Arnold and Pamela Reed fly out to the school.

Who's taller, Danny DeVito or Linda Hunt?

"You aren't so tough without your car, are ya?"

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 5
Cheese Factor: 3 of 10
WTF Moment: I thought Penelope Ann Miller was pretty... what was I thinking?
Date Watched: March 22nd
Overall Rating: 7 of 10

Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Release Date: July 3, 1991
Gross: $519 million (worldwide)

T2 is probably Arnold's biggest film to date. It builds on the popularity and the badassness of the original. Having Sarah Connor return along with the jackass doctor was awesome. Explaining how events evolved from the first movie to where they are now was great. The only downside was that John Connor was a whiny punk. I don't know how his foster parents didn't terminate him themselves.

It's funny watching this movie after seeing the previous films. Arnold is cut, but he's nowhere near the size he was in his early films, yet growing up I always thought he was always huge.

FAST FACTS: Charlie Korsmo, the kid from Dick Tracy and Hook was offered the part of John Connor, but could not accept the part because he was filming What About Bob?

I'm watching the special edition which has deleted scenes. The first of which (I noticed) was a dream sequence in which Michael Biehn resumes the role of Kyle Reese and tries to help Sarah.

FAST FACTS: One of the little girls whom the T-1000 asks about John Connor, is Nikki Cox, who, among other things, is known for her role on Las Vegas.

In the first fights scene between the two terminators, you would have thought the T-1000 would have just stabbed through Arnold's head.

John Connor is 11 years old in this film. Would he really be riding a dirt-bike at that age?

Stunt Arnold, as seen on the motorcycle, looks like a bloated David Hasselhoff.

FAST FACTS: The actor who played Todd, went on to play George Mason on 24 and the traitorous secret service agent in Air Force One.

Why does the T-1000 keep reverting back to the to the Robert Patrick form? It's not like Robert Patrick was that big of a star back then?

Sarah Connor is acting a lot like Lori from The Walking Dead. She scolds John for rescuing her (ungrateful bitch). She tries to destroy the T-101's processor. She runs off on her own to kill Dyson.

John is eleven years old-- much too old to comment on two kids fighting with fake guns, saying that we aren't going to make it as a race.

FAST FACTS: Edward Furlong's voice was changing during the filming, so all of his lines had to be redubbed in post-production. The only thing that didn't change was the scene when the terminator was fixing the truck and he asked why humans cry. They felt John sounded more sensitive there and used his original voice.

Although the part calls for no emotion, Arnold once again does a really good job. It's kinda cool watching his acting skills improve over the years.

"The history of things to come." - Nice line.

FAST FACTS: The SWAT team leader is Hank from Breaking Bad, once again in a Schwarzenegger flick. He never takes his gas mask off, but you should be able to spot him.

The mini-gun that Arnold shoots up the cops cars with is freakin' awesome! Want one!

Wow, I never realized it before, but the T-1000 has four arms when he's flying the choppa. Two are flying the choppa and two for firing and reloading.

The action sequences are awesome in this film. I had forgotten all about them. The truck chase, Arnold getting out of the truck and climbing on the front of the semi to shoot the T-1000, the tanker tipping over... all good stuff.

Why does the T-1000 try to make Sarah call out to John when he/it could just mimic her and call him/itself?

FAST FACTS: The space travelling device in the Jodie Foster flick, Contact, was the original design for the Time Displacement Machine that was to be used for T2. It was too expensive and not key to the story, so it was not used.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 18
Cheese Factor: 2 of 10
WTF Moment:
Date Watched: March 23rd
Overall Rating: 9.5 of 10

Last Action Hero
Release Date: June 18, 1993
Gross: $137 million (worldwide)

The box office disagrees with me, but I feel this movie is better than most think. Unfortunately, people just didn't get it or they didn't like a movie that didn't know whether it wanted to be a spoof or an action movie. It falls in between and neither the Arnold action fans nor the Arnold comedy fans were enthusiastic about it.

Personally, I love the idea of being able to go into a movie, but also to have a character come out of it. It's a great premise, and what better movie to do it with than the over-the-top, ridiculous action flick.

On a side note, my copy of the DVD has no menu screen and it's full screen. Ugh, if I still enjoy this movie, I'm upgrading to widescreen.

This movie is an all-star cast-- and not the cheesy 70's kind (see The Villain).. Ian McKellan, Mercedes Ruehl, F. Murray Abraham, Anthony Quinn, and Art Carney. That's 5 Oscar's, 7 emmy's, and many more nominations. It's also directed by John McTiernan who directed many great movies such as Predator, Die Hard, Die Hard 3, and The Hunt for Red October.

Love the Hamlet movie trailer.

Just noticed that the Jack Slater film is a Franco Columbu film. For those with short memories, Franco is a bodybuilding buddy of Arnold's who appeared in many of his movies.

Art Carney's last words as he dies, "I'm out of here!" I hope I can remember to use that when I die.

For those who don't like the film, I'll give you that the kid is annoying. I could have done without him.

Anyone see the T-1000? Robert Patrick is dressed as the T-1000 leaving the police station.

FAST FACTS: One of Arnold's co-star's in Predator, Shane Black (Hawkins), was called in to rewrite Last Action Hero due to his experience writing action movies (Lethal Weapon 1, & 2, The Last Boy Scout). The original writers were actually big fans of his movies.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): Um... I forgot to count, but the interwebs says Arnie killed 22.
Cheese Factor: 6 of 10
WTF Moment: Leo the Fart? I love a good fart joke, but that whole sequence was just bad.
Date Watched: March 24th
Overall Rating: 6.75 of 10

True Lies
Release Date: July 15, 1994
Gross: $378 million (worldwide)

I feel like True Lies is one of Arnold's best mainstream movies. It's well done and it didn't have the built-in audience that Terminator 2 did. It's a movie that my parents went to see, while it's doubtful they went to see any of his other movies.

This is Arnold's "James Bond" movie, although even if you insert Daniel Craig, set in in England, and change his name to James Bond, it wouldn't be a Bond flick. Tom Arnold isn't a Bond character and of course you wouldn't have the whole domestic situation. Still, this is a very cool spy movie.

I've been noticing this for awhile now, but Arnold walks and runs oddly. Actually, when he's running down the hill in the snow escaping from the mansion, it's not even him half the time. Excellent scene, though. I remember really being impressed watching it back in '94.

FAST FACTS: Jodie Foster was originally cast as Arnold's wife, Helen. She had to drop out because she was filming Nell.

Arnold's character works for Omega Sector headed up by Charleton Heston, the Omega Man.

The bathroom scene is great too. I'm always reminded of Arnold ducking the hitman in the bathroom whenever I'm in the bathroom at the local movie theater which looks very much the same.

Fake Arnold on the horse too. In one shot, it looks a lot like Robert Patrick.

Love the car ride with with "Simon" the car salesman where he fantasizes that he punches and kills him.

Mmmph! Jamie Lee has got a great body in this movie.

Love the truth serum scene, too. "First, I'm going to use you as a human shield..."

"Have you ever killed anyone?" "Yeah, but they were all bad."

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 67
Cheese Factor: 2 of 10
WTF Moment: Sweetums terrorist: There's a big, burly, atypical terrorist with a beard and mustache in a suit that looks like that big giant muppet, Sweetums.
Date Watched: March 24th
Overall Rating: 9 of 10

Last Action Hero proved that his name alone does not always mean profits. The fans' eyes were opened and they started to be a bit more hesitant before seeing just anything with his name on it. True Lies would reassure many fans that Arnold still had it, but perhaps going forward, Uncle Arnie should have had a more critical eye when choose scripts.

I'd love to have your feedback: Which of these movies do you like? Which are your favorites? What are some memorable moments? Which have you never seen?

Schwarztoberfest Part III: The Rising Star Years

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 17:14:59 +0000

Part three of Schwarztoberfest is the Rising Star Years. The success Arnold had in these movies paved the way for many more successful (and unsuccessful) movies.

Predator
Release Date: June 12, 1987
Gross: $98 million (Worldwide)

This was the first Schwarzenegger film I saw in the theater and I haven’t missed one since.

I’ve got the disc in and the menu is playing music from the movie. I’m getting excited to get this one started. Stop jacking around and push play!

FAST FACTS: The original actor in the Predator suit was unhappy to appear as an uncredited special affect so he quit. That actor soon went on to star in Bloodsport as the star, Frank Dukes. His name, Jean-Claude Van Damme.

A friend told me that this Predator movie wouldn’t get made today. He said it basically has no plot other than send a bunch of guys into the jungle to hunt an alien-- or rather stay alive while an alien hunted them. It’s too basic of a plot and would have to be developed much more with back story if it were to be made today. Not taking anything away from the movie, I tend to agree. Although if they did make this, they could use the cast of The Expendables.

Arnold, Bill Duke, Carl Weathers, and Jesse “the Governor” Ventura. This movie has everyone but Sven Ole-Thorsen-- no, wait, he’s in it too.

FACT FACTS: This movie features two governors (Arnold & Jessie) and another guy who ran for governor. Sonny Landham, who portrayed Billy the American Indian, ran for governor of Kentucky in 2003. Landham was also a 1970’s porn star.

“This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me.” “I ain’t got time to bleed.”

So, Bill Duke pulls a scorpion off of Carl Weathers. Later, the Predator picks up the scorpion and looks at it. Was that all the “permission” he needed to go after the group, or was that foreshadowing how he would easily kill the group? They say in the movie that it’s because they have weapons, but the Predator didn’t stop them earlier when they passed by.

FAST FACTS: Jesse Ventura was delighted to find out from the wardrobe department that his arms were 1" bigger than Arnold Schwarzenegger's. He suggested to Schwarzenegger that they measure arms, with the winner getting a bottle of champagne. Ventura lost because Schwarzenegger had told the wardrobe department to tell Ventura that his arms were bigger.

Gotta love Bill Duke mowing down the jungle after he first sees the Predator. Nerves of steel, he does not have. Carl Weathers is a dick... his character that is.

So, another thing to add to the shopping cart: I’ll take the menacing look of Bill Duke. So so far I have Bill Duke’s menacing look, Scatman’s voice, Arnold’s charisma, and the ability to play bass fiddle like a hill-billy.

I have to say that up to point in his career, this is Arnold’s best acting work. He’s less wooden and more natural than in his previous parts. Credit director John McTiernan for that I suppose.

“If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

Bill Duke loves to shave. Ooh... Bill Duke had a harsh death. Not to self: if I ever see laser dots on my arm, don’t look to see where they are coming from.

FAST FACTS: The filmmakers tried to get shots of the Predator swinging through the trees by putting a monkey in a Predator suit, but the monkey kept taking the suit off.

Billy’s laughs at Crocodile Dundee’s “knife”. The Predator laughs at Billy’s final stand.

The final showdown commences and Arnold’s doing well. He tracks the Predators blood (glow stick and KY jelly) into a cave and foolishly follows him into it. As the Admiral would say, “It’s a trap!”. The Predator can kill him at any time now, but doesn’t He wants to show Arnold what he looks like. “You one ugly mother-fucker!”

“Come on... Come on! Do it! Do it! Come on. Come on! Kill me! I'm here! Kill me! I'm here! Kill me! Come on! Kill me! I'm here! Come on! Do it now! Kill me! “ - Obviously this was Arnold ad-libbing.

FAST FACTS: The choppa pilot at the end of the film was the actor in the Predator suit. Kevin Peter Hall, also starred in Predator 2 and Harry and the Hendersens, was 7’ 2” and died at age 35 in 1991.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 23
Cheese Factor: 3 of 10
WTF Moment: The Predators laugh going from deep and spooky to Vincent Price maniacal at the end of the movie.
Date Watched: March 13th
Overall Rating: 9.25 of 10

The Running Man
Release Date: November 13, 1987
Gross: $38 million (USA)

It’s hard for me to pick my favorite Arnold movies, but this one is definitely up there with Commando. I can remember anticipating this movie because I had read the short story it was based on. The story was written by Stephen King but it’s really nothing like the movie. However, it’s freakin’ Arnold so it was awesome.

The world economy has collaped. Food, natural resources and oil are in short supply. A police state rules with an iron hand. The movie takes place in 2017, only five short years away.

Ben Richards (Uncle Arnie) is ordered to attack 1500 unarmed civilians who just want some food. He refuses, a fight breaks out, he’s detained, and the people are slaughtered anyway. Richards is framed for the slaughter and sent to prison where he grows a giant beard and carries around a steel girder.

FAST FACTS: Patrick Swayze and Don Johnson were considered for the part of Ben Richards. Christopher Reeve and Dolph Lungren were interested in starring in the movie.

Like the A-Team, Arnold and some freedom fighters escape from a maximum security prison to the underground. Chico doesn’t make it. Arnold heads to his brother Edward’s apartment, but Edward has been taken away for re-education. Maria Conchita Alonso lives there now.

FAST FACTS: Two governors and two musicians. That’s Mic Fleetwood, of Fleetwood Mac, who removes Arnold’s collar and Dweezil Zappa of Frank Zappa’s loin, who plays Stevie, one of the underground fighters.

Arnold is soon caught and forced to be on The Running Man, a TV show where contestants basically run for their lives as they are hunted down. Franco Columbu appears as a phone operator at the show.

FAST FACTS: The first stalker, Sub-Zero (aka Big Ed Cuddly), is played by ex-wrestler, Professor Toru Tanaka. Tanaka is an 11-year US army veteran and 3 time WWF tag-team champion.

“Here is Sub-Zero! Now, just plain zero!” “What a pain in the neck.”

Maria Conchita Alonso experiences some karma payback for turning in Arnold and is sent into the game bringing the total to four runners (two of Arnie’s co-escapee’s are with them.)

Buzzsaw and Dynamo are attacking now. Buzzsaw is the Texas chainsaw murderer on a dirt bike while Dynamo is a man in a lights-it driving around in Batman’s Cylon tumbler. Arnold and Buzzsaw fight, but then Buzzsaw “had to split.”

Dynamo can shoot electricity at his enemies while singing opera, but his tumbler takes a tumble and Arnold spares his life.

FAST FACTS: The actor who plays Dynamo, Erland van Lidth, also starred as Terror in The Wanderers. He was an amateur wrestler, a bass-baritone Opera singer who performed in New York, and owned his own computer business.

James Brown’s number is called next, and the ex-NFL running back straps on his his fire-shooter jetpack and soon meets up with Arnold and Maria. “How ‘bout a light?” “What a hot head.”

Jesse the Governor Ventura is up next as Captain Freedom. He’s all mad about the garbage they want to make him wear and talks about the code of the gladiators. Standing next to him is Sven Ole Thorsen who played the gladiator Tigris, in Gladiator. I think Captain Freedom quit over this because he’s not seen again

Arnold and the underground fighters storm the studio and it’s Arnold versus Killian, host of The Running Man. Uh oh, here comes Sven Ole Thorsen who chooses to let Killian get his just desserts. “I’ve got to score some steroids,” he says before walking off the stage.

I always thought that Sven was going to be revealed as Arnold’s brother. Arnold’s brother was taken away, while Sven’s character has a similar accent to Arnold, has a bodybuilders body, has a haircut similar to Arnold, and doesn’t fight Arnold at the end. The never say it’s his brother, but I like to think it was.

Speaking of Killian, Richard Dawson was perfectly cast in this role. Most people know Dawson from Family Feud, but he was an actor before that in Hogan’s Heroes, tv appearances, and a few movies.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 13
Cheese Factor: 5 of 10
WTF Moment: Dynamo tries to rape Maria in the studio hallway while the assault is going on.
Date Watched: March 14th
Overall Rating: 8.1 of 10

Red Heat
Release Date: June 17, 1988
Gross: $34.9 million (USA)

I remember seeing this in the theater and I may have seen it once since then, but I don’t remember too much about it. I know there is some comedy, but my impression of it was that it’s somewhat boring. I think this movie wanted to be like 48 hours. This was Arnold’ first attempt at a comedy and it opened the door for Twins.

Russian bathhouse. Sven Ole Thorsen appears right away and fights with Arnold (Ivan Danko) with another guy in their towels/thongs out in the snow. I thought I remembered that opening scene being longer. Perhaps it just felt longer since it was a bunch of nearly nude men.

FAST FACTS: Arnold spent three months learning to speak Russian for this film.

Ah, I was combining the sauna with the Russian bar scene. A shootout ensues and Arnold’s partner is killed. The Russian bad guy, played by Ed O’Ross really looks the part, but he was born in Pittsburgh... to Czechoslovakian parents.

Add speaking Russian to my shopping list. (Speak Russian, Bill Duke’s menacing look, Scatman’s voice, Arnold’s charisma, and the ability to play bass fiddle like a hill-billy.)

FAST FACTS: The night clerk at the hotel Arnold stays at is Otis from The Walking Dead. He is much thinner and has hair.

Jim Belushi, Peter Boyle, and Lawrence Fishburne are in this film. Belushi looks thin, but the director actually had him gain ten pounds. Fishburne looks extremely thin.

“You look like Marvin Hagler to me. I LOST MONEY ON HAGLER!”

FAST FACTS: In order to capture the essense of the character, director Walter Hill (Aliens, Alien3, 48 Hours) asked Arnold to watch Ninotchtka and emulate Greta Garbo’s character. Arnold did and Hill said Arnold picked up the character right away. Personally, I think Arnold seemed pretty natural in this role.

Arnold and Fishburne both have a Strahan tooth gap as does one of the blond Russian henchmen.

Gina Gershon is looking good in this movie. I think this is before she had her fish lips implant procedure.

FAST FACTS: The waitress who wants to give Belushi more coffee would become his wife two years later... for only two years.

The Clean Heads have a poor lack of direction. They watched Arnold from outside through his window, but when they go inside, Viktor says that he’s in 302 which would be across the hall on the other side of the hotel.

The “John” that was blown away with four our five bullets through his chest, can be seen breathing as he lies dead on the bathroom floor.

“Time to feed parakeet.” “I do not want to touch his ass.” “I’m not shitting on you.”

Ouch, Arnold gets clocked with a bus door. Bus chase!

Okay, this was actually a pretty good action movie and light on the comedy. I think the action wasn’t over the top, which for an Arnold movie tends to make it boring, which is a shame. I wouldn’t mind seeing a sequel made to this one if they could get Belushi back. Maybe the follow the Rush Hour formula and send Belushi to Moscow.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 12
Cheese Factor: 2 of 10
WTF Moment: Arnold’s ass in a string thong.
Date Watched: March 17th
Overall Rating: 6.5 of 10

Twins
Release Date: December 9, 1988
Gross: $216.6 million (worldwide)

So obviously, this isn’t a movie where the music is going to get me excited to see it. That’s not a knock though, because I’ve always enjoyed this movie. I had it on VHS and I bought the soundtrack as well (I’ve always been a big soundtrack guy). I guess when you think of Arnold, you think of action movies and you just don’t get as up for a comedy. It’s a decent comedy for it’s time. It’s nothing like what we have today.

FAST FACTS: Schwarzenegger and DeVito were given the choice to do Twins or Suburban Commando. Had they chosen to do Suburban Commando, Hulk Hogan and Christopher Lloyd would have starred in Twins. I think they made the right choice.

Wow, Danny DeVito looks really young here. He’s 44 playing 35... he doesn’t look that young.

Ha ha... They show a shot of Arnold coming out of the airport soooo much taller than everyone else, but then everyone in front of him is Asian.

FAST FACTS: The mother of Julius and Vincent Benedict in the flashback, anyone? Anyone? Heather Graham. The guy in the car park who tells DeVito which cars to steal, anyone? Anyone? David Caruso.

I always loved Arnold scoffing at Stallone’s muscles in the movie theater poster.

Dr. Traven is a dick, but also it’s out of character that he’s such an asshole to Vincent all these years later for no reason.

Sven Ole Thorsen makes his appearance as one of the Klane brothers.

Kelly Preston, aka Mrs. Travolta, looks pretty good here, but I think she may look better today. Never mind, she flashed some cheeks and then I got a good close-up on her face. I think the dated hair was hiding how good she looks.

FAST FACTS: Webster, the bad guy who wants the five million dollars Vincent stole, would later star with Arnold in Total Recall as the guy who Kuato lives in.

It never occurred to me how odd it was that DeVito was playing a ladies man...

Why is there a lever that releases every bit of chain in Houston?

Hmmm... I guess I didn’t have too much to say about the actual movie here.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 5
Cheese Factor: 6 of 10
WTF Moment: The guy’s name is Beetroot McKinley. Beetroot?
Date Watched: March 19th
Overall Rating: 7.1 of 10

With these movies, Arnold started to attract a wider range of fans which led a wider range of movies he could star in. The star has risen and it’s about to get bright.

I'd love to have your feedback: Which of these movies do you like? Which are your favorites? What are some memorable moments? Which have you never seen?

Schwarztoberfest Part II: The Body Count Years

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 16:55:06 +0000

Part two of Schwartoberfest is the Body Count years. These next six movies have to rate the highest in confirmed kills by Arnold. Producers were thinking that violence sells, and who better to deliver on that than Arnold. Commando seems to be the highest amount of kills with around 92. I think it’s probably closer to 100, but I didn’t assume there were soldiers in the barracks he blew up.

The count that I do for each movie is actually asses kicked, not killed, so if he beats someone up it counts as an ass-kicked. This isn’t to be confused with the body count.

Conan the Barbarian
Release Date: May 14, 1982
Gross: 68.8 million (worldwide)

I popped the DVD in for this 1982 flick and the menu page showed still images with the Conan music playing. I started to get excited for this one.

FAST FACTS: Conan was written by John Milnius and Oliver Stone. I don’t recall any conspiracy theories...

I’ll admit, I forgot that James freakin’ Earl Jones was in this movie. It seems beneath him, but what else was he doing besides waiting for Return of the Jedi to start filming. I also have to admit that I get the three Arnold the Barbarian movies mixed up. The only thing that helps a little is that I know a very hot Brigitte Nielsen was in Red Sonja, but other than that the movies are a blur.

Conan is the son of a swordsmith whose family and village were killed by Thulsa Doom and his raiders for unknown reason. Because they had a taste for blood? Because they wanted the finest sword around? Just because they could? Thulsa later says it was for the sword.t

FAST FACTS: Just prior to the attack, the scout who jumps on a rock is Franco Columbu, Arnold’s workout buddy and former Mr. Olympia. Franco won Mr. Olympia two times, both time after Arnold retired (1976, 1981).

What’s with Thulsa Doom? He’s got long straight hair with terrible bangs and blue eyes. Very unsettling to look at. Why’d they go with this look?

Ah, Conan is put on the wheel as a boy and made to push it in circle for his childhood up until he’s a full grown man. Judging by the size of his father, it was the wheel who transformed young Conan into a muscle freak and not genetics. I always thought this would be a good way to build muscle... so simple.

I love the scene where Arnold tosses the nude demon/witch into the fire. That’s followed by cheesy special effects of the witch now in fire form flying away.

“Ha ha! Crom laughs at your four winds!”

Ah, Max Von Sydow. If I can’t have Scatman Crothers voice, I’ll settle for Max Von Sydow’s. Like, JEJ, I think this film is beneath MVS as well.

I love the music in the film. There are some great themes throughout the film.

Snake in a hat! Hand soup! Snake arrows! Ghost Valkyrie!

Does JEJ always try to pull the “I am your father” routine?

TRIVIA: Who appeared in Arnold’s movies as an actor or a stuntman more than any other person (aside from Arnie)? Sven Ole-Thorsen, that’s who. Fifteen films and counting. Sven is the hammer-wielding henchman of Mr. Doom. (The other henchmen is ex-Raiders defensive linemen, Ben Davidson, checking in a 6’8”).

SIDE NOTE: If you have not listened to the commentary for Conan, I highly recommend you treat yourself. It’s pure Schwarzenegger gold.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 24 (guesstimate)
Cheese Factor: 4 of 10
WTF Moment: The cartoon demons trying to take Conan to his death.
Date Watched: March 3rd
Overall Rating: 7.2 of 10

Conan the Destroyer
Release Date: June 29, 1984
Gross: $31 million (USA)

I rented this 1984 sequel on Netflix and as the narrator started talking, I wondered how many people from the first film were in this one-- as the same characters. Obviously Conan is back, but the only other character returning is Akiro, the narrator wizard.

Arnold looks bigger than the last film, but maybe he’s just been working on his tan. Conan has a new sidekick who seems a little dim. I think the actor specializes in characters that are not so bright.

The evil queen appears (accompanied by Wilt Chamberlain), and it’s Superman’s Ursa. I recognized her voice before I did her face. She seems to be pretty much the same character sans the super powers.

Next up is the princess and future eye-candy, Olivia d’Abo who you may remember from The Wonder Years as Kevin’s older sister. She’s the damsel in distress that Conan must escort and then eventually rescue.

Grace Jones makes her appearance next and she is just frightening looking with her Kid n’ Play haircut. She wields a mean staff, that is until Wilt Chamberlain cuts it down to size.

Poor special effects yet again along (smoke dragon stealing princess) with some obvious green screen work (characters rowing in boat).

We’re up to the room of mirrors sequence. I was thinking this was in Red Sonja, so yeah, these movies are a blur for me. The monster in the room, sort of a man-ape in a red cape, was the actor who played the the giant sherpa and the giant mechanic Indy fought in Raiders of the Lost Ark, as well as two other large characters in the other two Indiana Jones movies. I also always thought this was the end of the movie...

And now a big fight with none-other than Sven Ole-Thorsen again. After that, the movie slows waaaaaay down. There’s a somewhat humorous drunken Conan scene, but then a lot of the princess pining for Conan.

FAST FACTS: That giants creature that is brought to life at the end is Andre the Giant.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 33 (guesstimate)
Cheese Factor: 6 of 10
WTF Moment: None really, but I’ll go with the man-ape in a red cape.
Date Watched: March 4th
Overall Rating: 5 of 10

The Terminator
Release Date: October 26, 1984
Gross: $78 million (worldwide)

So everyone knows The Terminator story, right? Ikkins? A terminator cyborg is sent back in time to kill the mother of John Connor, the leader of the resistance in the war of man versus machine. John Connor sends Kyle Reese back in time to protect Sarah, who does more than that-- he impregnates Sarah thus becoming John’s father.

Soooo... if the machines never sent the terminator back, Kyle Reese wouldn’t have gone back, and John would have been a completely different person, right? Or perhaps John Connor becomes even more badass with Kyle as the sperm donor?

FAST FACTS: Future Arnold co-star, Bill Paxton (True Lies and a small part in Commando) appears as one of the punks Arnold jacks up when asking for their clothes.

So why, after the big car chase that ends with the terminator crashing into a wall, does the terminator disappear? That’s his chance to kill Sarah. He’s not into self-preservation. He could have easily killed Sarah with all the cops shooting at him. He’s unstoppable, so why run off?

FAST FACTS: Look out! O.J. Simpson was originally considered for the role of the terminator, but producers ironically felt he was “too nice” to play the cold blooded killer the terminator was. Ha!

Sarah looks like she could be wearing a helmet of hair. It’s like a coonskin cap, only made from something much larger, like a golden retriever..

Whoa, Kyle Reese just starts jamming the explosives they made into a duffel bag as if they were just movie props. Easy, dude!

TRIVIA: Who plays the terminator in the future who attacks the survivors hideout? Schwarzenegger pal, Franco Columbu.

How does the motorcycle not catch the pickup truck? How does the truck driver not see the terminator before he runs him down? That guy has poor reflexes and should have his truck driver license revoked. Why does the terminator drive the tanker so slow that Sarah can continue to outrun it?

I never realized how animatronic the terminators movements were once stripped of his flesh. It’s like watching an old “Sinbad” movie.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 27
Cheese Factor: 2 of 10
WTF Moment: All scenes with the humanoid animatronic terminator head. It kind of looks like mask worn by Michael Myers.
Date Watched: March 5th
Overall Rating: 8.75 of 10

Red Sonja
Release Date: July 5, 1985
Gross: $6.9 million (USA)

I’m just about to watch Red Sonja, which I rented from Amazon via my Tivo, when I realize that I can’t remember a single scene from this movie. Maybe I’ll remember some, but as of now, no. I do know that Arnold is not Conan, but rather Lord Kalidor. He was supposed to be Conan, but they couldn’t secure the rights in time, or some such nonsense.

Ah, the opening credit roll where we learn about Red Sonja. It’s kind of moving left to right as if the wind I hear is moving it. Actually, the static background shot was moving a bit as well. Low production values right from the get-go.

Ghost effect much better than Conan movies. From the opening scene, this movie feels much older than it is-- like it’s from the 40’s. I think it’s the Ennio Morricone score.

So the evil queen attacks a peaceful group of women who are hiding some evil green talisman. All of the women are killed or captured except Red Sonja’s sister who escapes the temple, escapes on a zip line, and is rescued by Arnold who’s wearing Jack LaLanne’s sleeveless red jumpsuit.

It’s a good thing Arnold isn’t playing Conan, or he may recognize the evil queen as his Valkyrie from Conan the Barbarian.

The dialog is just bad and almost sounds like they wrote it before each scene. Brigitte’s line reading is terrible, like an early Arnold, plus she has a similar accent. It’s like watching someone a couple of seven-year-old’s did.

Okay... I’m starting to a remember a bit. I remember the heavyset bodyguard of the young annoying prince. He’s dressed like an Asiain version of a Canadian Mountie and looks like James Coco and sounds like Tony Siragusa. I’m sure we’re not done with those two unfortunately.

Red Sonja is now fighting some big guy (Pat Roach) for whatever reason. Earlier, some old sword master told her she had no equal with the sword. Apparently he was blowing smoke up her ass, as three swings in she loses her sword. She defeats him, but then his henchmen break their promise to let her go and Kalidor appears from nowhere and rescues her.

Attack of the mechanical sea creature... or ride the underwater dragon merry-go-round. Good lord this is just awful.

The queen’s advisor is played by the melting-faced Nazi from Raiders of the Last Ark. He’s not so melty, but you can recognize him still. His scream sounds exactly the same, too.

The Can-asian Mountie fights with a large bone that’s been sharpened on one side. It’s like a four foot femur. He gives a mini-version to the prince to fight with.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 29
Cheese Factor: 8 of 10
WTF Moment: While trying to view her enemies via some magic screen, the Fu Man Chu-looking wizard dials up a male body dancer before getting to the enemies.
Date Watched: March 6th
Overall Rating: 2.5 of 10

Commando
Release Date: October 4, 1985
Gross: $57 millions (worldwide)

Commando may be the first Schwarzenegger film I ever saw in it’s entirety. I seem to recall seeing bits and pieces of the Conan movies, but it was Commando that made me an Arnold fan. I can remember watching this many times at a friends house, reciting lines and imitating Arnold. It comes as a shock to me that I don’t own this on DVD. I know I had the VHS back in the day...

The assassinations are just silly. The get the first guy by pretending to be garbage men a day early. They just knew he’d come out to take the garbage out? Then the next guy they kill by running him over in a car dealership becasue they just knew he’d get in the way to stop the car from leaving. Poorly planned; extremely lucky.

John Matrix. Is there a cooler Schwarzenegger character? John, why are you so paranoid that you’re looking into your axe’s reflection for people sneaking up on you?

The soundtrack could use some work.

Okay, when Matrix refuses to help Arius kill the president of Val Verde, the open a door and Jenny, his daughter is there. Matrix acts surprised that they have Jenny. Dumbass, you just chased after them because they took her.

FAST FACTS: Val Verde is a fictional town that is referenced in Die Hard 2 and the location that Predator takes place.

I love when Matrix cracks Enrique’s neck (the guy with the pith helmet and triangle hair). Enrique throws his hands up in there which is something my friend an I used to imitate non-stop.

Love the reading and expression on the face of the cop scoping Arnold, “He is one gigantic mother-fucker.”

FAST FACTS: The mall used in this film is the same mall from Terminator 2, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Back to the Future II, and Innerspace. The mall is obviously a whore.

“Remember Sully when I promised to kill you last?”
“That’s right Matrix, you did!”
“I lied.”
“La la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaa”
“What did you do with Sully?”
“I let him go.”

The obigatory gearing up for battle, quick-cuts. Awesome. Matrix is also wearing the face paint Conan wore in Conan the Barbarian.

It’s funny when John blows up the barracks, they shows some slow motions shots and you can see that the guards outside the barracks don’t really react. Then you see that they are actually dummies with guns strapped to the posts outside. #MovieSecretsExposed

Also, while Arnold is fighting an entire army, Bennett spends all his time chasing after Jenny to kill her. Really? Is that going to stop Matrix? Is that going to kill the president of Val Verde?

FAST FACTS: The actor who played Bennett, Vernon Wells, was a late minute replacement, so he had to squeeze into the previous actors clothes. Speaking of Wells, I thought this was like his only movie, but he was in Mad Max 2, Innerspace, Weird Science, and lots of other bit parts.

Maybe it’s Arnold being oiled and pumped, or maybe it the clothes that are too small on Bennett, but he looks rather ordinary, and out of shape. Bennett is one of Arnold’s cheesiest villains.

Ya gotta love the punch block, arm lock move. I wonder if that actually works.

Bennett’s a tricky bastard. He lets Matrix throw him into the electric fence to be partially electrocuted, only to trick Matrix into letting his guard down. He then bounces off the fence and gets several shots in on Matrix.

I always thought Bennett was wearing some sort of chain-mail vest. I’m thinking it was some kind of cheesy mesh.

There are certainly better movies than Commando, and some that I like even more, but Commando ranks up there on my list for sure.

FAST FACTS: Director John McTiernan passed on directing this film, but was given a second chance to work with Arnold when a sequel was written to Commando, based off the book Nothing Lasts Forever. This time Arnold passed, so the script was tweaked and John McTiernan directed it as Die Hard. McTiernan and Arnold eventually teamed up with Predator.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 92 (guestimated)
Cheese Factor: 6 of 10
WTF Moment: Matrix throws a power saw blade at a guy and cuts the top of his head off
Date Watched: March 7th
Overall Rating: 7.5 of 10

Raw Deal
Release Date: June 6, 1986
Gross: $16 million (USA)

I never saw Raw Deal in the theater and only watched it years later once I had become a fan. I’m pretty sure I had it on VHS as well as many of his other movies, which caught me off guard when I didn’t have it on DVD. I ordered it on 7th, but it would take until March 12th to be delivered. This is the last time I would be caught off guard, as I then ordered everything I needed and couldn’t stream on Amazon or Netflix.

Raw Deal is an overlooked Schwarzenegger film. I think that most people didn’t see it in the theater and many more would not even know it exists.

Damn daylight savings... I’ve got the sun in my eye and a streak across my screen. Perhaps I should stop dragging my feet and get some blinds for this room.

Lots of gun fire to start this one. Poor gun handling skills though, almost like the people think they have to shake the bullet out of the gun when they fire. FBI chief Harry Shannon shows up and it’s none other than “the old man”, Darren McGavin from A Christmas Story. He looks less fatherly with a mustache... of course, he just lots his son in that shootout. Fuuuuuuuuudge!

Sheriff Arnold in a jeep chases after a fake cop on a motorcycle over the credits. He gets his man, of course, and then goes home to his drunk wife. “You should not drink and bake.” We learn that Arnold used to work for the bureau (FBI?) and had to resign due to being up on charges. His wife is not happy being in exile away from the city. Blah blah blah boring back story badly acted-- ah, the call from Shannon, his ex-boss, promising brighter days and a major award.

“He molested, murdered, and mutilated her!” - Not a line Arnold can deliver very well.

Shannon entices Arnold, or rather Mark Kaminsky to go undercover in the mafia to bring down Vinnie Goombaz as revenge for Shannon’s kid being killed.

I hate when a movie throws in out of character humor in disregard for the script. This movie isn’t a comedy, yet they throw in some cheesy lines such as by the chauffeur after Arnold steals his car. “You took my lunch you son of a bitch!” Really? Awful.

FAST FACTS: Arnold agreed to to this film in order to get out of a multi-film agreement with Dino DeLaurentiis. DeLaurentiis was to use the profits to fund Total Recall. Arnold wanted to do Total Recall but DeLaurentiis didn’t think Arnold was right for the part of Douglas Quaid and had cast Patrick Swayze in the role. Raw Deal only made 16 million and DeLaurentiis went bankrupt. Total Recall was sold to Carolco and Arnold went on to do it anyway. It your face, Dino!

This movie is almost more of a drama. I’m finding it difficult to come up with things to write about it that aren’t just telling what’s happening in the plot.

Okay, Arnold is getting locked and loaded in preparation for his assault on the mafia. We’re treated to a montage of various weapons being loaded with a terrible score being played over top.

Okay, things really picked up there at the end. The end scenes account for over 60% of his body count. Sven Ole-Thorsen makes an appearance as a body guard.

I think the best acting of this film happens when the old man tries to walk again at the very end.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): 40
Cheese Factor: 6 of 10
WTF Moment: Topless transvestites in the strip club locker room.
Date Watched: March 12th
Overall Rating: 6 of 10

The Body Count years closed out with a bang. Arnold would still rack up plenty of kills in his future movies, but this grouping represents the largest phase. Up next, the Rising Star Years in which Arnold starts to garner attention and demand the larger paychecks. Sure, he garnered attention with Conan the Barbarian and The Terminator, but-- look, I don’t want to hit you up with 27 movies all at once, so just pipe down and know that it’s easier on you this way.

I'd love to have your feedback: Which of these movies do you like? Which are your favorites? What are some memorable moments? Which have you never seen?

On to Part III: The Rising Star Years

Schwarztoberfest Part I: The Bodybuilder Years

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 16:27:29 +0000

That’s right, it’s Schwarztoberfest also known as Schwarzapalooza or 27 Ahnuld Movies in 43 Days or Marchenegger. I’ll be watching all of Arnold’s feature movies and commenting on them. I’ve always been a huge fan or his movies, so it will be hard for me to dump on them, so don’t expect any serious critiquing. After all, Arnold is a great movie star, but he is far from being a great actor. These aren’t reviews, but rather running commentaries as I watch the movie.

This is part one of a seven part series that I’ll deliver over a period of seven days. Each of the seven parts is a phase of his career. I’m not thrilled with the different phases, but it’s tough to divide them movies into seven phases while limiting the number of movies to a manageable 4-6 movies.

Part One is the Bodybuilder Years. It covers the films that Arnold made as a result of being a bodybuilder and or while he was still actively competing as a bodybuilder.

Hercules in New York
Release Date: February, 1970

Arnold’s very first movie, which premiered when I was only 8 1/2 months old back in December of 1969. Arnold was only 22 years old when this was made, but there’s obviously no mistaking him unless you close your eyes-- that all too familiar accent is absent, as his voice was dubbed. I think they used the same voice actor from those old martial arts movies.

This movie is just bad and very campy, but also very funny, unintentionally so. It could definitely benefit from a new soundtrack, special effects, and a new voice for Hercules. I’d love Arnold to do the voice, have new music written (I think the music is some sort of mandolin or something) and maybe better special effects sounds (like punches and whatnot.)

God, the camera work is just pitiful. I don’t think they wasted a bit of film-- no second takes, no filming longer than needed. I think everything shot was in the film. I wouldn’t be surprised if the story were made up as they filmed. There was zero effort put into making this movie. Surprisingly, the director went on to have a long career and is still directing.

Hercule’s friend, Pretzie, sounds like Mort from the Family Guy and looks like the turtle that Bugs Bunny raced. He’s an annoying character. He got his nickname because he sells pretzels-- this was the last movie the writer worked on.

Wow... the love interest, which really never goes anywhere, is a terrible actress. It’s no surprise her career was over 7 years later.

Random observations: The ugliest goddess is Venus, that’s irony for ya. The mafia boss and four thugs pile into one car, which is a beat-up, baby blue, station wagon-- they’re not doing so well. The sound of tires skidding on pavement while they are driving on grass is a bit odd. Arnold fights a brown bear.

I’ve dozed off about three times during the movie. Terrible movie. It would be a good movie for Corndog to watch and review.

Asses Arnold Kicked (AAK): <15
Cheese Factor: 10 of 10
WTF Moment: Zeus’ thunderbolt is a piece of rebar painted white and bent in the shape of a thunderbolt.
Date Watched: February 25th
Overall Rating: 2 of 10

Stay Hungry
Release Date: April 23, 1976

After Hercules, Arnold had bit parts in The Long Goodbye (1973) and a TV-movie Happy Anniversary and Goodbye (1974). Then in 1976, he got a significant role in Stay Hungry opposite Sally Field and Jeff Bridges which he won a Golden Globe for his performance. I had to buy this movie on DVD for this review... of course the day after I ordered it, I saw I could rent it with an Xbox app called Vudu.

I thought I had never seen Hercules, but it wasn’t long into watching it that my long-buried memories of that film were uncovered. Stay Hungry, I know have never seen.

Jeff Bridges plays Craig Blake, a wealthy man who recently lost his parents in a plane crash and is now all alone. He works for a corporation of obnoxious southern business men who are buying up property so they can develop who knows what. AS Joe hangs out with the characters from the gym, he begins to love them like a family and no longer wants to screw them over.

Sally Field is Mary Tate Farnsworth, a gymast and receptionist at the the Olympic gym that is the last piece of property they need to buy up. Arnold is Joe Santo, Mr. Austria, who is training at the gym to be Mr. Universe. That’s about do it for the main characters, but “TC” from Magnum, Scatman Crothers from the Harlem Globe Trotters, Fannie Flagg from Match Game, and Ed Begley Jr. are all also in the film. Freddy Krueger, I mean Robert Englund, is Joe Santo’s greaser-- he oils up Joe before his shows.

Gotta mention that in Arnold’s first appearance in the film, he’s wearing a black cowl with a red mask and a black cape as he does curls. WTF? Joe is a bit of a touchy, feely, womanizer that seems to be pretty close to what Arnold was accused of doing.

Sally Field is super cute and shows her ass-- full posterior nudity FTW!

Good God, Scatman Crothers has an awesome voice. I hope I sound like that when I get older-- hell, I hope I sound like that tomorrow.

There’s a scene I can imagine happening at Steelhead’s place. They’re out in the woods, and everyone is drinking ‘shine from mason jars and playing either a fiddle, banjo, guitar, or bass fidddle. Man I wish I could play the bass fiddle-- AND speak like Scatman!

OMG! Freddy Krueger just got tagged in the balls with a cue stick, but the sound he made was like the sound of a horse having a heart attack. Awesome stuff right there.

Very odd sex scene involving TC tying up a woman and massaging her AND the gym owner, Thor, a sixty year old, bad-toupee wearing guy, going to town with some girl and eventually handing her nude, upside down from some gym equipment. Then Thor goes on a drug-crazed rampages starts throwing barbells and weights around. Jeff Bridges looks like a contestant on American Gladiators as he dodges the weights like balls shot from a cannon.

This is not an Arnold flick, but it’s worth it to see him in his “Batman” outfit, playing fiddle, Sally’s bum of course, and all the other wacky stuff.

AAK: 0
Cheese Factor: 7 of 10
WTF Moment: Arnold dressed as Batman doing curls.
Date Watched: February 27th
Overall Rating: 6.1 of 10

Pumping Iron
Release Date: 1977

Shot in 1975, Pumping Iron follows several body-builders as they prepare for the Mr. Universe and Mr. Olympia competitions. After a brief scene of Arnold and the diminutive Franco Columbu doing ballet to use in their posing. That’s followed by the Pumping Iron theme song which sounds like 70’s porn music.

FAST FACTS: The man who wrote the novel Stay Hungry, Charles Gaines, also created a photo-essay called Pumping Iron which the docudrama was based on. Charles Gaines also went onto to invent and play in the first game of paintball.

Arnold is bigger in this than any of the other movies he was in to date and probably anything since. For some reason, Arnold visits a prison yard and his posing for the prisoners. I imagine this started the the working out in prison movement as well as decrease in conjugal visits due to the guys just not needing it as much.

Arnold is in and out throughout the film, but the film first follows Mike Katz who, along with really bad hair, just doesn’t seem to have the right personality for this. He’s kinda meek and appears to be the kinda guy whom everything bad happens to. Ken Waller ends up defeating Katz (who places 4th). Mike is disappointed he lost, but upon hearing Ken won, he’s very happy for him and wants to shake his hand. This is after we earlier saw Ken making fun of Mike to some friends and then saying he was going to hide his shirt and mess with him. Ken’s kind of a dick.

Arnold has a very outgoing personality and is very likable and charismatic-- I’ll add that to my wish list. It’s no doubt he’s had such a huge career. Although, some of his comments are a bit comfortable like when he compares lifting weights to ejaculation, or when he says he always admired dictators, Jesus, and other people who are remembered for a long time.

Next up is the Incredible Hulk himself, Lou Ferrigno. Side Note: - Lou is the voice of the Hulk in the upcoming Avengers movie. Lou is very likable as well, and it’s his goal to finally beat Arnold. Lou trains with his dad in a basement or in small gyms. Arnold trains doing push-ups with girls on his back, in big gyms, with lots of other bodybuilders. I wonder if Lou might have done better if he had someone other than his dad as his trainer.

Then we meet Franco Columbu, who is around 5 ½ feet tall and a former boxer. He’s the biggest bodybuilder under 200 pounds. They show a clip of him in Italy de-parallel parking a car by lifting it up and pulling it sideways.

Arnold shows he’s all about winning. He mentions if Lou comes in equal or better, Arnold will mess with him and have him lose. He even mentioned that he would do the same to his good friend, Franco as well. He then tells the story of how he told one bodybuilder to scream when he flexes which got the guy pulled off stage after a few poses.

After the competition, there’s a funny moment where Arnold and Lou are riding on the back of the bus and each tries to be the bigger, taller person.

AAK: 0
Cheese Factor: 3 of 10
WTF Moment: Arnold saying he admires dictators and Jesus.
Date Watched: February 28th
Overall Rating: 8 of 10

The Villain
Release Date: July 20, 1979

Arnold was cast in two TV shows after Stay Hungry. He played bodybuilders in The Streets of San Francisco and The San Pedro Beach Bums. Soon after, Hal Needham came calling.

The Villain is another movie I had to purchase (EDIT: 1 week later, I found I had it in my collection already). I wasn’t able to find it to stream on Netflix, Amazon, Vudu, or Blockbuster. This movie is already a winner because it’s got Ruth Buzzi, Jack Elam, Foster Brooks, Mel Tillis and Paul Freakin’ Lynde. At least they equal a win back in the 70’s when this was made. Hard to believe Arnold has been around that long.

This movie has often been described as a Roadrunner versus Wile E. Coyote movie. It doesn’t let down in the very opening minutes, although Arnold, as Handsome Stranger is more oblivious to what is going on around him than the Roadrunner was.

Basically, throughout the movie, the naive Handsome Stranger is escorting a flirtatious and perhaps horny Charming Jones (Ann Margaret) and a box of cash to her home. Cactus Jack, aka The Villain (Kirk Douglas) is trying to stop them and fails by his own doing. Mel Tillis sings all the theme songs for each of the main character, multiple times, throughout the movie. Slapstick and 1970’s hilarity ensue.

Lots of funny moments in the film, some intended, some unintended. Some intended miss the mark. I enjoyed seeing a caricature of Burt Reynolds painted on the outside of the cat house. This film was directed by Hal Needham, who did the Smokey & the Bandit movies, and a bunch of other Burt Reynolds movies. Needham was once the highest paid stuntman in the world.

Kirk Douglas is pretty spry for a 63 year old man. That’s all.

AAK: 0
Cheese Factor: 8 of 10
WTF Moment: Paul Lynde, who stars as an Indian chief, has a swastika painted on the front of his horse.
Date Watched: March 1st
Overall Rating: 5.75 of 10

Scavenger Hunt
I was not able to find this 1979 movie anywhere, but from what I’ve read, it’s a brief cameo, so it’s just as well that I have to skip it.

The Jayne Mansfield Story
In 1980, Arnold portrayed Mickey Hargitay, a Hungarian bodybuilder-turned-actor (sound familiar) who married Janye Mansfield and fathered Law & Order: SVU’s, Mariska Hargitay. I could buy this DVD, but they were only married for six years, so I doubt is part would be very big.

The Comeback
This 1980 film is a documentary where Arnold, after five years off, preps for the Conan film by competing in Mr. Universe again. Will he win his 7th title? I don’t know, this is not available anywhere. Okay, I do know the outcome after having looked it up. He won.

That’s all for the Bodybuilder Years, stay tuned tomorrow for the Body Count Years.

On to Part 2: The Body Count Years

CFL Power Rankings #2

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 18:39:14 +0000

Here are the power rankings after two meets of season two. Not much of a shakeup as only two sets of teams swapped places.

1 - Indiana SAMS, 7-0-1 (Last Rank #1)
Indiana continues to streak and remains unbeaten after 8 games. Next up, they host the Screaming Eagles (7-1)

2 - Steel City Screaming Eagles, 7-1 (Last Rank #2)
The Screaming Eagles face a huge test next meet. Next up, at Indiana (7-0-1).

3 - DC Detonators, 6-2 (Last Rank #4)
DC is getting hot and hopes to build a big lead in their division. Next up, they host Dayton (2-6).

4 - Rocky Mountain Rolling Thunder, 4-4 (Last Rank #3)
Rocky Mountain suffered through a laggy connection last meet, but hopes to regain their footing next meet at Jersey. (4-4).

5 - Jersey Red Dragons, 4-4 (Last Rank #5)
Another split for the Dragons as try to fight into second place next week.. Next up, at Rock Mountain (4-4).

6 - Dayton Cobras, 2-6 (Last Rank #6)
Dayton is struggling on the season, but their luck is bound to turn around. Next up, they visit D.C. (6-2).

7 - Ventura Warlords, 1-7 (Last Rank #8)
Ventura lost a few close games last week and are struggling a bit. They can gain some ground with a good showing next meet hosting Windy City (0-7-1).

8 - Windy City Hustlers, 0-7-1 (Last Rank #7)
Windy City is looking to grab some wins again a division opponent who is also struggling. Next met is on the road versus Ventura (1-7).

Final Four Previews and Predictions

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 22:36:40 +0000

We’ve had two exciting weekends of basketball, and after one more, we’ll have our national champion. I’m going to break this article into sections; feel free to skip the ones that don’t capture your interest. They will be Green Hat Bragging, What Happened to the other #1 Seeds, and Final Four Previews and Predictions.

Green Hat Bragging:

I’m sorry, but this must be pointed out. If anyone took the time to read my Sweet Sixteen Previews and Predictions article, I went 8/8, highlighted by a scary one point miss on the 64-63 Syracuse win (I had 65-63). While I didn’t go into detail on the Elite Eight, my Final Four picks from previous articles implied which teams would win, and only North Carolina let me down (but did they even have a chance without Kendall Marshall?). So, that’s 11/12 this weekend. Okay, bragging over.

What Happened to the other #1 Seeds?

We’ll start off with #1 seed Michigan State getting beat by #4 seed Louisville. Was Louisville the better team? No, but the pace of the game and the pressure was too much for MSU and it took them out of their game. I think the real storyline is that MSU was overrated. They began the season unranked and Coach Tom Izzo proved to be a wizard to get them that #1 seed. They played a brutal schedule, which pitted them against 11 ranked teams in the regular season, before playing out of their minds (just after losing Branden Dawson to an ACL tear) to win the Big Ten Conference Tournament. Dawson, with his athleticism and versatility, could have been a big help against the pressure of Louisville. MSU looked tired and timid in the loss, which is why they find themselves watching from home and making the same excuses I’m making for them right now.

Next we move to #1 seed Syracuse falling to #2 seed Ohio State in the Elite Eight match-up. It was only a matter of time before the absence of Fab Melo hurt the Cuse. They got crushed on the boards, which someone (okay, last brag) pointed out to be a major flaw, 37-22. For those who don’t have an abacus or graphing calculator, that’s a 25 rebound difference. Guess what? You don’t win games when you get out-rebounded by 25. You can never account for injuries or ineligible players, and the selection committee may have downgraded their seed if they knew Fab Melo would be out, but they weren’t a true #1 seed without him. Only a crazy Syracuse fan (lapman) would have picked them to win without the anchor of their defense.

Finally we look at #1 seed North Carolina falling to #2 seed Kansas in their Elite Eight match-up. UNC just squeaked by #13 seed Ohio, so I don’t think anyone was very confident in their chances to beat Kansas without injured point guard Kendall Marshall. His back-up, Stilman White, didn’t even play that bad, he just couldn’t create the way Marshall could have, which is important when you need to distribute the ball to the five Tar Heels that can score and will soon be playing in the NBA. Credit Kansas Coach Bill Self for taking a team that lost four of it’s starting five from last year and leading them to a #2 Seed, and switching to a triangle and two zone defense that stalled UNC near the end that game to secure a spot in the Final Four.

Final Four Previews and Predictions:

#1 seed Kentucky vs #4 seed Louisville: I’m going to try to formulate an argument to show that Louisville has a chance in this match-up. Let’s pretend they have the coaching edge (stay with me) because Rick Pitino has 616 career wins, is now in his 6^th Final Four, and has won a national championship. His players also rely on a balanced team game to win and three upperclassmen at the guard positions to lead them. Kentucky has talented young players and could become overwhelmed by the moment, Louisville’s pressure, and inexperience, since they (the guys who play) are all freshmen and sophomores. There is also a chance that if Kentucky wins, the game and even the season might be vacated within the next few years (which happened in to their 96’ tournament run because of Marcus Camby accepting cash/gifts and their entire 07’-08’ season because Derrick Rose had someone take his SATs for him). I’m opening rooting for Louisville, but can’t bring myself to pick them. Final Score: Kentucky 72, Louisville 57

#2 Seed Ohio State vs #2 Seed Kansas: This is a much more interesting match-up. These teams played earlier this season and KU won 78-67. However, OSU was without Jared Sullinger. I love how Kansas is playing, but Sullinger is a beast inside and Aaron Craft (OSU’s point guard) is a relentless defender who will make KU’s point guard Tyshawn Taylor work for everything he gets. I think this will be a close game all the way down to the very end, but Ohio State will get the chance to challenge Kentucky for the national championship. Final Score: Ohio State 74, Kansas 70

This will set up Kentucky vs Ohio State in the national championship game. There is nothing more fun or exciting than a close, competitive national championship game, but Kentucky is too good to let that happen. While young, they are the most efficient team in the country on offense and defense. Coach Cal often says that they have seven players that averaged 25 points per game in high school and each have led the team in scoring in at least one game this season, but they are all completely unselfish and play together. This may be the best college basketball team off all time (let that sink in). Congrats Ohio State for getting this far, but this has been Kentucky’s season since they beat North Carolina early in the year, and they’ve only improved since then. Final Score: Kentucky 83, Ohio State 65

This will most likely conclude my series of articles covering the tournament, unless something special happens this weekend that compels me to write one more. Thanks for reading. BYGH out.

Rad or Bad - The Sho Kosugi Ninja Bonanza

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 13:58:37 +0000

As a young child I wanted nothing more in life but to be a Ninja. I was obsessed with the masked assassin�s and tried to consume as much Ninja info as possible. But the biggest beacon of light at this time was Sho Kosugi who turned his martial arts mastery into a strong movie career. So for this edition of Rad or Bad we are going to take a trip down memory lane and look at some of the films of Sho Kosugi.

Enter the Ninja

Here we find army veteran Cole who is fresh out of Ninja school in Japan. Yeah�..right. Ninja school. Anyways, Cole has traveled to the Philippines to reunite with an old friend and his wife on their large farm. But not all is well as Coles friends are being threatened by a local CEO who is trying to muscle them in to selling their property. It turns out that this farm of theirs sits on top of a large oil deposit. The CEO sends a few henchmen to the farm to try and impose their will on the couple but our hairy chested and overly mustached hero Cole is having none of it. After all, he did just get out of Ninja school. After many an ass whipping at the hands of our hero the CEO has had it. It�s time to fight Ninja with Ninja. Our hero Cole soon finds out that his old rival from Ninja school, Hasegawa(played by Sho Kosugi), has been hired by the CEO to get rid of Cole. This sets up a show down between our White Ninja, Cole, and the Black Ninja, Hasegawa, and his band of Red Ninjas.

I learned this in Ninja School.

The acting in this movie is soooooo awful and it is filled with a ton of cheesy one liners and horribly delivered karate chops. Some of the slow motion death scenes are legendary but not in a good way. The first 3/4 of the movie is acted and directed about as well as an early 80�s porn film but without the sex. It was painful to sit through this hot mess just to get to the end. As good as the final showdown might be it can�t make up for the rest of the film. This film is just�like�Totally Bad.

Revenge of the Ninja

In this film Sho Kosugi plays the part of Cho, a Ninja Master who drops his Ninja ways and flees to America after his family is slaughtered in Japan by a rogue group of Ninjas. Only his mother and son survive the attack and go to America with him. While in America Cho opens up an Art Gallery that displays Japanese dolls. But little does he know that his business partner is smuggling heroin in to the U.S. via the dolls for a local Mob boss. Oh, and his partner is also a Ninja. Cho soon finds out about his partner and this sets up an epic duel on top of a Skyscraper.

Best. Ninja. Ever!

The ass kicking in the movie is both solid and plentiful. Even Cho�s young son, Kane, gets to hand out some beat downs, first at the expenses of some school bullies and then once again as he fends off a would be kidnapper. I only really have two complaints about this movie. Both involve our hero Cho. In the opening scene, while putting the smack down on some Ninjas, Cho catches 3 arrows that are shot at him. Not a big deal, right? It would have been a lot more believable had he not caught one with his damn teeth. There�s also a scene towards the center of the film where Cho chases down some mob henchmen and while in pursuit he dodges some bullets. Six of them to be exact. But other than that this is the pinnacle of 80�s Ninja movies and is Totally Rad.

Ninja III: The Domination

This is the third movie in the �Ninja Trilogy� and while it�s not as good as �Revenge of the Ninja� it is faaaar better then �Enter the Ninja�. After a Ninja completes his assassination of some generic high society yuck monkey, he is near death and found by a female telephone worker/aerobic instructor named Christie. As he is dying he uses his Ninja powers to posses her and she must now seek revenge on those cops that killed him while fleeing his last hit.

Our female Ninja aerobic instructor.

In this film Sho Kosugi plays a Ninja by the name of Yamada who has come from Japan to exorcise the evil Ninja from our beautiful aerobic instructor. Why? Because the evil Ninja inside of her is Yamada�s sworn enemy. That�s why. Along the way we get to see some bad ass revenge killings carried out by Christie as she uses every trick in the Ninja handbook. Unfortunately we also get to see some very cheesy supernatural scenes where the evil Ninja is communicating with Christie. At one point we get to see a Ninja sword float out of a closet. Cue the strobe light and fog machine and try to ignore the fishing line that is making the sword float in mid-air. But in the end Yamada is able to exorcise the evil Ninja who then comes back from the dead to face his enemy in a classic Ninja on Ninja smack down. This movie is Rad.

Pray for Death

I�m going to keep this one short. This is pretty much a retelling of �Revenge of the Ninja� except for one small thing. IT SUCKS BALLS. This pile of turds took me 3 viewings to get through. The coolest thing about this movie is Sho Kosugi�s Ninja garb. Other than that this movie is Totally Bad.

See this mask? It's the only good thing about this "film".

As an added bonus enjoy this awesome death scene from Enter the Ninja.

Sweet Sixteen Previews and Predictions

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 04:34:44 +0000

It always surprises me how fast the Sweet Sixteen arrives, but here we are. This is where the cream rises to the top and the noobs get exposed. Below you will find a preview of each match-up and my prediction. Here goes:

#1 Syracuse vs #4 Wisconsin: I took Syracuse out of my Final Four when Fab Melo was ruled ineligible, but they seemed to have adjusted by their second game of the tournament. They’re well coached and have solid guards. As I say in every article, I don’t like Wisconsin. They play so slow and their offense can stall, but a patient offense might be able to find the holes in the Syracuse zone defense without Fab as the anchor in the middle. I still think Syracuse takes this, but it’ll be very close. Final Score: Syracuse 65, Wisconsin 63

#1 Michigan State vs #4 Louisville: This is going to be a great match-up. Both teams have great coaches, but I think that Izzo is more adaptable in-game. However, despite being an underdog, I like this Louisville team to put on strong defensive pressure and win a close game over the #1 seed. Final Score: Louisville 69, Michigan State 65

#2 Ohio State vs #6 Cincinnati: I have a bias for the Big East, so I really want to pick Cincinnati in this game, but I did pick Ohio State as a Final Four team, and they have more talent. Ohio State also has great balance inside and outside. When they needed clutch baskets at the end of the Gonzaga (who played awesome by the way) game, they got it inside to Sullinger, and he did work. However, to beat Cincinnati, he’s going to have to get more rebounds (than the 4 he had against the Zags) and their team can’t get out-rebounded (like they did by 5 against the Zags). Final Score: Ohio State 71, Cincinnati 60

#3 Marquette vs #7 Florida: I’ve made no secret that I like Florida and think they’re underrated. Marquette is slightly favored in this game, but I think Florida is due for a hot 3-point shooting game. For more of my thoughts, here is a question I posed to former Ohio State Bench Warmer, Mark Titus on Grandland.com (mine is the second question). Final Score: Florida 82, Marquette 74

#3 Baylor vs #10 Xavier: Baylor is an odd team and their reputation is that they’re inconsistent, but I believe that there are certain teams that have their number. They’ve lost 6 times this year. Three times to a strong Missouri team (that’s no longer in the tournament), twice to a strong Kansas team (that they wouldn’t see until the championship game), and an alright Iowa State team (that’s no longer in the tournament). The strange thing is that their best player, Perry Jones III, who averages just over 13 points per game, scored 2 and 7 respectively, in each of their tournament games. However, Brady Heslip has been unconscious from behind the arc, going a combined 14-22 on three pointers in their first two games of the tournament. He’s got the confidence right now of George Clooney hitting on a cocktail waitress. While Xavier has played well, I think Brady continues to shoot well, but the extra attention he’ll attract will open thinks up for PJ3, who will have a big game. Final Score: Baylor 80, Xavier 68

#1 North Carolina vs #13 Ohio: Do I really have to justify this one? It’s North Carolina, and I don’t care if Kendall Marshall isn’t playing, they aren’t losing to Ohio. However, I don’t think UNC is going to kill them, because without Marshall, the game will slow down. Final Score: North Carolina 59, Ohio 50

#1 Kentucky vs #4 Indiana: I suspect the committee didn’t put these teams in the same bracket as an accident. In their meeting during the regular season, Indiana beat Kentucky on a buzzer beater, which was Kentucky’s only loss during the regular season. This led to Kentucky rattling off 24 wins in a row before falling to Vanderbilt in the SEC Tournament. Ignoring that Kentucky has the best talent and healthiest team, I have a feeling they’re primed to rattle off another 24 wins. Since they’ve already won twice since the loss to Vandy, after they beat Indiana, they’re going to go on to win the tournament and the first 18 games next season. Final score: Kentucky 77, Indiana 67

#2 Kansas vs #11 N.C. State: N.C. State is hardly a Cinderella, since they come from a power conference. I think they have a lot of talent, but Kansas earned the #2 seed for a reason. Kansas probably got their “scare game” out of the way last week against Purdue, and won’t be messing around this week with N.C. State. Final Score: Kansas 75, N.C. State 63

I feel a little dirty for basically going with the favorites in all of these games (besides Louisville; Marquette/Florida is basically a toss-up), but this is how I believe they will play out. I’d call for more upsets, but I think at this point of the tournament, no team is being overlooked, so the better teams should win.

I will be writing multiple articles during the tournament. Next I’ll be reflecting on the outcomes of the Sweet Sixteen and look at how my predictions turned out. Thanks for reading. BYGH out.