2012 Round-Up: The Year of the Gobbler

After taking a hiatus last year, it’s time again for the Texas Round-up. I’m going to try to take you through the experience with me, writing up each day’s events throughout the day. Everybody’s experience is different and mine tends to be more low key, so whatever I missed was likely because I was sleeping.


WEDNESDAY
I arrive earlier than most because I don’t just come for the party. I consider Tab and Wicked to be my family, so I like to spend some extra time with them. I was really looking forward to seeing them because I didn’t get to do any extra visits due to having an ancient dog to take care of and then a new puppy to care for.

I woke up at 5:30, sadly dropped of the dog at a kennel, and got to the airport at 7:30. Of course, once there I realized I left something important behind, my Kindle. Damn it!

On the plane I watched The Blind Side (excellent movie!), half an episode of Supernatural, and half of Me, Myself, and Irene. I landed around 12:30, and there at the airport waiting for me was Tab, who, as always, is a sight for sore eyes.

Tab and I grabbed some lunch at Taco Bueno, picked up some booze and meat, and we picked up the kids from school.

That is quite a different experience from when I was a kid. I either took the bus, or stepped out off school property into my back yard. Here, they have people record the number posted on your car, then radio back inside to release the kids associated with the cars in the order that the cars are lined up. Wow…

Back at the house, I got to make some movies with the kids on my iPhone while we waited for Wicked to arrive with JWonder. Once they get there, we head off to Roosters for some barbeque and several pitchers of beer. Back to the house for more beers and chilling.

2007 Co-Partier of the Year, who also claimed to be the last one to go to bed every night at the 2010 Round-Up, disappeared off to bed without a word. My bed was in the bar, so I hopped in and continued to party… sans beer which was now too far away. Dub randomly went off to brush his teeth, and Wicked snuck off to bed and the night was done.


THURSDAY
Everything is black. It’s 6:30 am and I’m bundled up tightly in a comfortable bed when I hear a yell-cry from Alaina, which is how I think she wakes up. Tab is up soon to get the kids ready for school.

By 8 am, we’re all up and showered. Dub, Tab, and I are heading to the airport to get Wing-it, his wife, and Godsfella. Wicked will hang out before picking up Ikkins, Ark, and Teeny-Weeny Mussolini.

We got to the airport, picked up Gods, drove to another terminal, picked up Wing it and his wife Megan, then off to some last minute shopping at Walmart followed by Whataburger. We piled in the truck for an hour drive to the Lake House to be greeted by Dirty Penguin and Juice ending their solitary.

Drinking and cornhole ensued and soon Shifty arrived. Wicked and crew then fired up the fryers and cooked up some fries and wings.

And then I woke up with Stretch and Ikkins taking a picture of something on my face. I had too much to drink (shots and beer) and was on the verge of puking. I went to sleep in a spinning bed and woke up with a phallic-looking ice cream scoop on my face.

I rallied and went back to find there had been shenanigans going on as JWonder and Mahonay had both gotten atomic wedgies. Tab and Ikkins were trying wrestle people and were successful against guys who had no issue with two chicks crawling and rubbing all over them. Tab soon disappeared and moments later there was a thud above us on the deck.

Penguin went to investigate to see if she was all right. I later went inside and asked Tab if she was all right. She said she was fine. I asked her if she fell and she said no. We found out the next day that she had fallen, gashed a chunk out of her leg, and ended up bleeding all of her bed. She didn’t even know until long after she had gone to sleep.

Slowly, people started going to bed. I think 2007 Co-partier of the Year was one of the first to turn-in. I recall Dirty Penguin turning in several times; each one preceded by the sound of a fart, and then him saying “Goodnight.” In the loft, Stretch, Ikkins, and I had were having a chat session where we had random visitors. Jwonder, Ark, and Shifty made guest appearances and Shifty took a spill on the very awkward stairs on the way down.

Penguin and Juice then paid me a personal visit at which point Juice tried to give me what he called a “gobbler”. Eventually, the last men standing were Mahonay and Juice. They did some late night shots, one of which prompted Juice to give out a house-shaking “WOOOOOOOOOOO!” waking nearly everyone.

Sometime after that, I heard what sounded like a pack of hyena’s or coyotes. Very creepy sounding. Apparently, several others heard it throughout the night, including Godsfella who was, to say the least, not very comfortable after hearing it.

Pukers: Ikkins and Tab.
Injuries: Tab (gashed leg), Mahonay (bump on head), evil-eye-giving plastic rabbits (gunshot wounds)


FRIDAY
There were lots of slow risers on Friday. Several of us played some Super Stickman Golf for a bit, and then we took a ride out to bring back breakfast. Jalapeno pigs in blankets, “hot and creamy” donuts, and then a bunch of breakfast items from Sonic.

We got back and Wing-It had cooked breakfast sandwiches, but what we bought wasn’t wasted. The beer started flowing and the cornhole boards came out. Wicked cooked some sausages for lunch that were wrapped in tortillas with cheese.

Cornhole Tournament
Due to the impending rain, the cornhole tourney was held Friday instead of Saturday. Completely random teams were drawn. Here are the teams and the way it went down:

Team 1 – Taken Tripod & Envisionary
Team 2 – Dirty Penguin & Mahonay
Team 3 – JWonder & Ikkins
Team 4 – McKilty & Malmeida
Team 5 – Shifty & Wing-it
Team 6 – Stretch & Megan (Mrs. Wing-it)
Team 7 – Tab & Godsfella
Team 8 – Wicked & Juice

Winner’s Bracket
Game 1 – Wicked Juice def. Tri-Env, 21-12
Game 2 – Ace & Ark skunk Team Wifty, 16-0
Game 3 – Stretch & Megan def. Ikkins & Dub, 22-14
Game 4 – Tab & Gods def. Dirty Mahonay, 21-3
Game 7 – Wicked Juice def. Ace & Ark, 22-7
Game 8 – Stretch & Megan def. Tab & Gods, 21-18
Game 11 – Wicked Juice skunk Jed & Megan

Losers Bracket
Game 5 – Tri-Env def. Team Wifty
Game 6 – Ikkins & Dub def. Dirty Mahonay
Game 9 – Tab & Gods def. Tri-Env
Game 10 – Ace & Ark skunk Ikkins & Dub
Game 12 – Ace & Ark def. Tab & Gods, 21-6
Game 13 – Ace & Ark def. Stretch & Megan, 23-4

Championship Game #1
Game 14 - Ace & Ark def. Wicked Juice, 24-18

Championship Game #2
Game 15 - Ace & Ark def. Wicked Juice, 21-2

From game 12 on, floodlights were required to continue playing the games. Wicked & Juice were affected by the alcohol in Wicked’s system kicking in hard at the end of game 14. It was also the least watched championship game ever as everyone was inside eating tacos that Ikkins made. Only a few people made it out for the final games.

There was also an attempt at a human tower, with Wicked on Penguin’s shoulders and Mahonay on Wicked’s It ended with a thud that was Mahonay hitting the ground.

Flip cup started after everyone had eaten. The tables were flipped many times by Wicked who also performed an excellent table slide. Ark and Stretch were flipped out of their chairs. The fire was put out with five gallons of water for no good reason. JWonder punched Wing-it in the dick after a series of misunderstandings and a willing JWonder who would have done what anyone told him at that point in the night.

Wicked also tried to kick a cup and his legs ended up five feet in the air whether he hovered like Wile E. Coyote for a few seconds before dropping to the ground. No word on how the cup fared.

Once again, 2007’s Co-Partier of the year was the first to turn in at around 8:30 at the latest. Her husband was next at around 10 PM or so, but Juice would have none of that. At 1 AM, he started knocking on their door and started taking a census asking them questions like “How many people are annoyed by people knocking on their door?”

At one point, Wing-it had had enough of a garbage can giving him a look. He put on a motorcycle glove and beat the shit out of it. Then he gave it a flying Jackie Chan style flying kick only to land on his side.

Injuries: Mahonay (Assumed bruises), Wing-it (bruised testes, assumed additional bruises), evil-eye-giving garbage can (punched and flying kicked), Wicked Catfish (Entire right side) McKilty (Strained quad, strained glutei)
Pukers: Taken Tripod
Longest Nap: Mahonay
Most Naps: Ikkins


SATURDAY
Another day of slow risers, but that’s like saying the Round-Ups have bad weather. Ark cooked scrambled eggs with cheese and we put that in tortillas with taco meat. Everyone then helped clean up the mess from last night and we were ready for the main round-up day.

Tab made Sangria that was going over well and Tab & Wicked made some sort of crescent roll stuffed with jalapenos and cheese. It was good eatin’. I think fries were made as well, but I was half awake when they came around so I turned them down when they were offered. Jango and Shady arrived for the party today.

The following sections are very specific to me since it’s all I can remember. I grabbed a bottle of wine for myself and eventually followed that up with another bottle and then another 1/3 bottle. I was also eating a raw potato like an apple (note to self: check behind the bar for the uneaten half) after having snacked on some uncooked fries a few days earlier.

I recall telling Wicked I’d handle the table abuse today and went over and flipped them. I followed that up with multiple elbow drops to the table as well. I think I also did some flying body slams on a few people who would catch me. I had done a few of those on previous days, but Saturday’s were all inside.

I recall joining a dance party for a short time that was dominated by Mahonay and the ladies. At one point, the same song was played for about the 4th time, so Wicked shut it off of earning him a smack in the face and neck area from an angry Mahonay.

I remember putting the dildo-looking, pig ice cream scoop in my pants and doing all the things you’d expect someone to do with that. I also poured a bit of wine in the scoop and Wicked quickly got to his knees to drink the wine.

I popped my music on the iPod and gave a Blues Brothers performance that included dropping more elbows. These were delivered to the couch and floor and got pretty banged up (not that I realized it until this morning). I promised an 8:30 performance, and Ark and I delivered a twenty-minute show on time complete with a disappearing act.

Ark said that soon after, the Gummi Bear song was played (official song of the 2012 Round –Up) and I danced pretty hard to it and followed it up by collapsing on the couch at 9:30 where I was done for the night. The next thing I remember was Stretch and Ark trying to get me to go to bed around 1 AM. I went up to bed, but returned once when they played “Don’t Stop Believin’” and everyone was singing that together. During the song, Wicked tried to get revenge by slap a sleeping Mahonay on the face, but Jen would stop him and tackle him each time.

Party Awards
Earlier, we had the traditional party awards. The winners were:

• Most Tolerant Wife – Mandy (Mrs. Juice)
• Coolest Prego Chick – Megan (Wing-it’s wife)
• Biggest Asshole – JWonder
• Elvis Aaron Presley Memorial Entertainment Extravaganza – Ace McKilty
• Fighter, not a Lover – Mahonay
• Evil Devil-On-Your-Shoulder – Stretch
• Biggest Dumbass – Wicked Catfish
• Nut-Gobbler – SG Juice
• Vomit Comet – SG Tab
• Cornhole Champion – Jamo
• Best New Guy at Meet-up – Wing-it
• Guy Who Would Rather Fish than have Sex – SG Juice
• Jerry Sandusky Best Re-Gifter of Liquor Dispenser’s Shaped like Little Boys – Taken Tripod
• Best Meat Handler / Food Inspector – Envisionary
• Best Band-aided Gash – SG Tab
• Wild Car Bitches – Wicked Catfish
• Least Responsible with Firearms – Dirty Penguin
• Best Frosted Tips – Sniper Shady
• Briefest Visit – SG Jango

Ark, disappointed he was the only person not to win an award, brought the show to a close by going down the slide earning him an honorary Best Slider award.

Penguin did some meat shots (chicken and tequila in a shot glass). Penguin slung tortillas around the room (which would have an affect on Sunday’s breakfast). Juice and Penguin did shots of tequila with antacids in them. Juice painted the nails on one hand pink and the other hand black.

Juice was back outside Wicked and Tab’s room around 2 AM asking some questions. Jen threatened to give him a talking to and Wicked dropped an F bomb. Juice decided it was for the best to leave them alone.

Injuries: McKilty (sore thumb, swollen hand, Sprained knee, overall soreness)
Pukers: Mahonay did not, but should have.


SUNDAY
Not much to say about Sunday. Stretch found out there was a Winter Weather advisory, so he changed his flight and was gone very early. Ark and JWonder managed to make breakfast for about ten of us from just three eggs. Clean-up commenced and everyone said their goodbyes.

Juice and Mandy took Gods and I to the airport. The rumble of Juice’s car put us to sleep just like it does his kids. At the airport, Gods and I had a ridiculously expensive lunch consisting of a beer, a Gatorade, a sandwich, a hot dog, and an order of nachos. Twenty-eight dollars please. Thanks for the raping, Rider’s World Bar. Your nachos sucked big time.

My flight was a delayed about a half hour, but we landed early and I rushed home to see my dog who was quite happy to see me. For me, it was the perfect ending to a great trip.


VIVA LAS ROUND-UP!